Low school performance: causes and how to help our children

Poor school performance is a common problem in children and has multiple causes. It usually becomes evident in cognitive, academic, and behavioral areas. However, due to ignorance, fear that our children were medicated, difficulty in identifying emotional or physiological problems, and even teaching malpractice, we do not act fast to seek help for our little ones.

Poor school performance is not a lack of interest

To talk about the subject, we spoke with Dr. Sandra Schaffer, Director of the Psychoaprende Center and the Neuroscience Foundation for the Integral Development of the Individual, who explained that poor school performance goes beyond the student’s lack of interest or being lazy.

“Sometimes parents and teachers don’t realize there is a learning problem and are not considerate with kids. That affects children in their self-esteem. Some teachers just say they are lazy or don’t work. What I always explain to parents is that there are no lazy children, no one wants to be in a room doing nothing. Rather, the children are not having the skills to carry out the tasks in the way they are asked to do”.

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What is a learning disability?

According to the expert, a learning disability is a neurological disorder that interferes with a person’s ability to store, process or produce information.

“This has to do with how information enters in our brain and how we interpret it. Children who have learning problems generally have an average intelligence, it has nothing to do with their intellectual capacity; yet their ability to read, to write, to do mathematics and sometimes social skills is affected”, Schaffer says.

Causes of poor academic performance

The neuropsychologist explains that the causes are almost always multifactorial, that is, there isn’t a single reason. They can be divided into emotional causes, specific learning problems, as well as sensory and behavioral difficulties and poor study habits.

Emotional causes

It is difficult to detect them because many times it directly involves the parents although it can also be due to external factors that happen in school, or causes inherent to the child himself.

Changes in the school environment: “The change of a teacher or when they start a new school system. For example, those who go from preschool to primary or those who change schools. You may have conflicts with your peers or difficulty in finding friends”, says the specialist.

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Environment: Problems in the family environment, parent breakup, the arrival of a new sibling or a moving. It can also be the loss of a loved one or if a relative moves in the house. If there are addiction problems or aggressiveness in the family nucleus. Overprotection or abandonment. Sudden economic changes, parents increasing their work activities.

Inherent in the child: These are situations that are within us. For example, a health problem, lack of security, low self-esteem. Physiological problems that cause insecurities: If I am tall, short, fat, skinny, a stutter. All of this generates a negative image of themselves.

Anxiety and depression: We usually think that children do not suffer from anxiety and depression, but this is a mistake. There are children who go from simple sadness to losing interest in things, they feel helpless or hopeless.

Specific learning problems

Reading: Difficulty in perceiving a spoken word as a combination of sounds. Even when they master basic reading, they may struggle with reading at a certain pace, understanding what they read, or making inferences based on reading. There are problems in the working memory (ability to retain information).

Writing: Slow and labored handwriting, difficult to read handwriting, difficulty in putting thoughts on paper, poorly organized text, problems with spelling.

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Math: Trouble at understanding how numbers work, difficulty in calculating problems and using math symbols.

Language: A child who has problems speaking or reproducing sounds, who does not pronounce the ‘r’, the ‘ñ’ or the ‘s’, is going to affect his learning because he is going to write and read just like he speaks. His understanding would be diminished.

Nonverbal skills: Problems interpreting

Language: A child who has problems speaking or reproducing sounds, who does not pronounce the ‘r’, the ‘ñ’ or the ‘s’, is going to affect his learning because he is going to write and read just like he speaks. His understanding would be diminished. facial expressions and using language appropriately in social situations. Poor physical coordination, fine motor skill problems such as writing, and difficulty in paying attention.

Sensory, behavioral difficulties and poor study habits

Behavioral: The most common is oppositional behavior. When the child does not want to do what he is asked and he does the opposite or constantly challenges authority. It may be that he confronts his teachers, his principals, or his parents.

Physiological: For example, the child does not see or hear well. Although there are no doubts, we have to do tests because a reading problem can arise from there. The same with hearing because it might interfere with dictations and can lead to a problem of discrimination, or that he falls behind.

Attention deficit: The child’s difficulty in concentrating and carrying out his tasks at the same pace of his classmates.

Bad study habits: Having distractions while doing homework or studying (television or toys), trying to learn something in the last minute, being tired or hungry, not having a suitable place for study or homework (well illuminated and with enough space), among others.

The reasons for specific learning difficulties, as well as attention deficit problems, are many. “It can be hereditary, some problem during birth (the child did not breathe well), RH incompatibility with the mother, premature birth, low weight, a bump in the head, even substances such as lead in the blood. Sometimes malnutrition because, although we think that children eat well, perhaps they do not have the right nutrient balance and that is a factor of poor school performance.

HOW CAN WE HELP OUR CHILDREN?

According to the expert, the first thing is to identify poor performance attentively.

  • There is a lack of attention. We have to talk to the child several times because he is not listening to us.
  • The child sits down to do homework but won’t sit still. He stands up many times, he is unfocused.
  • The teacher talks to him and he is distracted, thinking about other situations or there is a loss of interest.

Once you have observed one of these situations, you have to go to the bottom of the causes with the help of an expert. The person in charge of detecting and treating these problems is the neuropsychologist, preferably with a specialty in the area of special education.

“If just a psychologist checks the child, there may be gaps because he will not be able to investigate the neurological part. Another point is that many parents are afraid to take their children to a psychologist because they don’t want him be medicated.

They let two or three years pass by, but there are treatments such as neurofeedback where the child does not have to take medication; it focuses more to self-regulation and learning therapy. But that has to be diagnosed by the neuropsychologist, doing an electroencephalogram, digital mapping and computerized tests”, concludes Sandra Schaffer.

Translated by: Ligia M. Oliver Manrique de Lara

Spanish version: Here

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5 responsibilities of a father during pregnancy

We’ve said many times that pregnancy and the arrival of a baby change life, but it is a mistake to believe that it only affects women. Men also face a real revolution and, like mothers, fathers must assume their role from the moment the mother’s belly starts to grow, and fulfill their responsibilities for the well-being of their child.

Although mom is the one who carries the baby in the womb, dad’s role is not less important during pregnancy, childbirth and throughout childhood. There is plenty of research that points the effects of the presence and absence of the father in a kid’s life.

Besides, in modern societies, more and more women are entering the workforce outside home, so it is imperative that both parents raise their kids. It is not an option anymore, the father not only makes a “biological investment” or supplier, he also invests in the care of his children so that they can be born and grow.

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5 responsibilities of a father during pregnancy

1. Planning the pregnancy together, a shared responsibility

Through the study, The desire for fatherhood in men, Rebeca Rodríguez, Gilberto Pérez and Alejandra Salguero point out that the desire to be parents does not appear “naturally”, not even for women.

“It is not an instinct that accompanies men, but the product of the incorporation and resignification of sociocultural discourses found in magazines, television, friends”.

This is an important decision that should ideally be made through negotiation with your partner. “The relationship of the couple is essential to be able to account for the construction of the desire for fatherhood in men, that is, through negotiation where expectations are intertwined”.

 

Negotiating and planning your pregnancy has to do with your goals as a couple. Many couples “skip” this step, but it is desirable that shared responsibility begins with the decision-making.

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2. Accompany the partner in the prenatal checkups (ultrasounds and checkups)

An investigation carried out among the Latino population in Houston, USA, showed that when the father had a favorable attitude towards the pregnancy and looked forward to it, there was a healthy impact, since the woman tended to seek or receive prenatal care earlier.   The fact of caring about the baby and seeing it in the ultrasound implies a greater approach and connection, since it is difficult to bond with something that they do not see or feel. Accompanying the partner also implies great support for the woman, as it is a stage when they need to feel accompanied.

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3. Change habits with mom

Expecting a baby is a good time and excuse for men to take care of themselves. Together, you can incorporate good habits like quitting smoking, exercising lightly, and making sure you both eat a healthy diet. You can even take vitamins! Everything is easier and more pleasant if you do it as a couple.  

Sometimes it may happen that the parents present what is known as Couvade syndrome (which comes from the French and means to incubate). The couple becomes connected to such a degree that the man presents symptoms similar to those of his partner: dizziness, nausea, mood swings, and abdominal pain. It is unusual, but it could happen. If that’s the case, talk about your concerns to reduce anxiety.

4. Find information and attend prenatal classes together

Martín Maldonado and Felipe Lecannelier explain in the article, The father in the perinatal stage, that like mothers, many fathers feel ambivalence towards their partner’s pregnancy.

In the same way as the woman, they also wonder what it is to be a father, how they should behave, if they can provide what is necessary for their children and family. It is natural for them to feel “anxiety about their own maturity (becoming a parent means that they are no longer teenagers). Even when consciously happy, it is common to have anxiety and fear of the future”.

When in doubt, the fathers also have the responsibility and the right to seek information and receive prenatal classes together with their partners.

They also need to know what the gestation process will be like, what will happen during delivery, what to do with the baby in the first days.   Men also require psychological support and the containment that the two members of the couple must give themselves before the uncertainty, anxiety and natural fear that can arise at this stage.

5. Prepare for the baby’s arrival

The most satisfying part for both the father and the mother: decorating the room, buying the baby’s clothes together, preparing the hospital bag, choosing the baby’s first toys.

Dad is not only a support for the woman, he is also a protagonist. He should and can be involved in both pregnancy and parenting.   Like motherhood, fatherhood begins before delivery.

Translated by: Ligia M. Oliver Manrique de Lara

Spanish version: Here

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Radiography of Mexican dads

Celebrating Father’s Day started in 1910. Louise Smart Dood, an American woman, tried that the role of fathers in society got some recognition. Here we present: Radiography of Mexican dads

In Mexico, it was not until 1972 that dad began to be celebrated, and it was established that he would be celebrated every third Sunday in June.

Radiography of Mexican dads: Traditional fatherhood

To speak of fatherhood in Mexico is to point out a variety of characteristics that exist in the male population that has sons or daughters.

Little by little, the Mexican father is leaving the traditional fatherhood behind. Today, more and more men are getting involved in parenting.

It should be noted that this celebration does not have “as much rating” as the celebration of Mother’s Day, but the new generations are recognizing the importance of the father in the lives of girls and boys.

Fatherhood in Mexico

Let’s get to know dad according to the latest data from the National Institute of Statistics and Geography (INEGI), the National Population Council (CONAPO) and the National Institute for Women (INMUJERES):

  • To begin with, while 78 percent of the population celebrates the mother, only 50 percent of the population celebrates the father.
  • 5 million men are fathers, that is, a third of the male population have children. According to the INEGI, all the men in the household who were referenced as such by any of the household members were counted as fathers; those who do not share the dwelling with their children were not counted as fathers.
  • On an average, the fathers are 44 years old.1 percent were under the age of 18; 15.8 percent were between 18 and 29 years old; 52.3 percent were in the range of 30 to 49 years of age; 25.8 percent between 50 and 69; and only 5.9 percent were 70 years and older.
  • 2 percent have basic education; 15 out of every hundred have a major’s degree and only two out of every hundred have a master’s degree or higher. It should be noted that the majority of the population under 15 years of age lives with both parents (86.5 percent), 12.2 percent lives only with the mother, while 1.3 percent lives only with the father.
  • 3 percent of households in Mexico are supported by men.
  • A male head of a family spends an average of 11.1 hours a week on housework. While female heads of family spend an average of 33.2 hours a week.
  • A male head of a family spends an average of 11.1 hours a week on housework. While female heads of family spend an average of 33.2 hours a week.

In Mexico, there are around 900 thousand single fathers. The State of Mexico tops the list with 160,997 cases, followed by Mexico City with 97,846, Jalisco with 70,857 and Veracruz with 64,657.

  • 796,000 men are heads of their homes, of which 259,000 are separated or divorced, 42,000 have suffered abandonment, and 495,000 are widowed.
  • The Confederation of National Chambers of Commerce, Services and Tourism (Concanaco-Servytur) estimated that this 2021 celebration of Father’s Day would result in an economic benefit of around 17. 5 billion pesos.
  • Since 2012, paid paternity leave has been included in the Federal Labor Law (LFT). Working fathers are entitled to five days of leave from the birthday of their son or daughter, or when they receive the minor, in the case of adoption. In other countries, they average 8.1 weeks of paid paternity leave, according to the Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD).
  • In the United States a survey found that 46 percent of fathers say they don’t spend enough time with their sons and daughters, compared to 23 percent of mothers, according to the State of Parenting Outlook in the World, from MenCare 2015.

In 1972, dad began to be celebrated in Mexico and it was established that every third Sunday in June, he would be celebrated.

Translated by: Ligia M. Oliver Manrique de Lara

Spanish version: Here

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10 Things a father should do with his daughter

Today, the little girl you have in your arms will grow up in less than you expect and become a woman. Take advantage of every opportunity to be with her: play, have fun, learn together… every moment is valuable! We leave you this list of 10 things that a father should do with his daughter, recommendations so that every moment becomes unforgettable.

Men do get involved in parenting

The view of fatherhood has changed. The figure of the scolding father of yesteryear, who used to complain about what his children did, the one who only contributed money to the house and who did not get involved, has been changing. “More and more men are interested in parenting development”, says psychologist Michael Lamb, author of The Father’s Role in Child Development.

Dads play a vital role in parenting. Photo: Shutterstock
A father plays a vital role in parenting his daughter. Photo: Shutterstock

Dad has an impact not only on the development of the girls’ personality but also on their self-confidence, as explained by the Encyclopedia on Early Childhood Development.

It can even influence their love relationships. Women who have a good relationship with their fathers will look for their partners to look like them, as revealed by research carried out by the University of Durham. Lynda Boothroyd, a psychologist at that institution, points out that the quality of the daughter-father relationship affects who she finds attractive.

“Our brains don’t just generate prototypes of the ideal face from those we see around us; we generate them from people we’ve had an intensely positive relationship with”.

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The relationship with dad can influence love relationships. Photo: Pixabay
The relationship with dad can influence love relationships. Things a father should do with his daughter. Photo: Pixabay

We compiled some tips for you and ideas of things you should do with your daughter; with this, you will strengthen the relationship with your little girl and help her be a strong woman.

10 Things a father should do with his daughter

1. Quality time

Sometimes work, and obligations absorb you, don’t let that stop you from being with your daughter. Find space to do things together: go to the movies, the park, or watch her favorite show. Time flies by; that girl who today asks you for help to tie her shoelaces, in a few years, she will ask you for permission to go out with her boyfriend.

2. Listen to her and pay attention to what she tells you

Whether she tells you about something she saw or about her schoolmates, please pay attention to everything she says; this way, she will know that you care about her and trust you.

3. Encourage her to practice any sport

If she likes soccer, karate, boxing, or skateboarding, encourage her and tell her that she’s capable of anything she puts her mind to. It doesn’t matter if people say that these are boys’ things; support her if she likes this activity. That way, she will know from a young age that she is just as capable as boys, and she will not limit herself.

Encourage her to practice whatever activity she wants. Photo: Pixabay
One of the 10 Things a father should do with his daughter: Encourage her to practice whatever activity she wants. Photo: Pixabay

4. Let her know how valuable she is

Don’t miss the opportunity to tell her that she is intelligent, talented, and pretty, that she is perfect just the way she is. This way, you feed her confidence in herself.

5. Get to know her

From knowing her favorite color, her favorite ice cream flavor, or her favorite subjects to asking her for her little friends’ names or remembering the name of her teachers. Those details will help you get to know her and get involved in her life.

6. Take her by the hand

Hold her hand; this gesture will make her feel protected and that she can count on you in any situation.

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Do not waste moments to be with your daughter. Photo: Pixabay
Do not waste moments to be with your daughter. Photo: Pixabay

7. Play together

Not only is it a way for your daughter to learn, but you build her trust in you and help you get to know her better. In addition, you create beautiful memories.

8. Respect her mom

Regardless of whether you are a couple, always show respect towards her mother. As we mentioned above, you are her first reference to a male figure, so she must see that you respect her mother.

9. Get her involved in repairs

Whether she’s helping you put together a piece of furniture, put up a shelf, or check out the car, get her involved in the things you do, even home repairs. Teach her how to do what you are doing; in this way, you provide her with skills for her adult life and give her some lessons of independence.

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By teaching your child to make repairs, you help her become self-sufficient. Photo: Shutterstock
By teaching your child to make repairs, you help her become self-sufficient. Photo: Shutterstock

10. Let her make her decisions

With daily choices like what to wear, what movie to watch, or how to do her hair, you help her make her own decisions and give her a vote of confidence that what she thinks matters a lot. Trust what she chooses and avoid judging her; with this, you will make her a strong and determined woman.

Every moment you spend with your daughter will be a precious memory that you will treasure. Which of these things do you do with your daughter? Tell us on Facebook.

Translated by: Ligia M. Oliver Manrique de Lara

Spanish version: Here

6 Books for new fathers

Waiting for the arrival of our baby is full of joy and enthusiasm, but also of many doubts in which the question “will I be a good father?” spins around us over and over. No one is born knowing how to be a parent. These books for new parents will help you in this new stage.

Facing fatherhood can be terrifying, since we will support a life that will depend on us, we want to be perfect, or at least we do not want to repeat what we don’t like about our own parents.

Nobody is perfect, but we can give our best to that little one who is on the way. This selection of books for new fathers, which we have made for you, will guide you in your introduction to fatherhood.

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Guía del papá primerizo, by Jonas Weidner (First–Time Dad)

How can I lose the fear of being a father? How can I build a bond with my baby? These are some of the questions that this book tries to decipher, it will also try to guide you to reconcile your new facet as a father with other areas of your life, such as work, your partner and sexuality. Publisher: Books on Demand

Cover of the book Guía del papá primerizo
This book addresses different questions that dads ask themselves. Photo: Editorial Books on Demand

Qué se puede esperar, el primer año, by Heidi Murkoff (What to Expect, the First Year)

Each chapter corresponds to the first months of your baby’s age; this book will guide you on basic newborn care, crib safety, breastfeeding, sleep, and even provides topics such as effective and ecological parenting (changing the use of disposable diapers for cloth diapers). Publisher: Planeta

Cover of the book Qué se puede esperar, el primer año
Basic baby care and effective parenting issues are some of its contents Photo: Editorial Planeta

Mi recién nacido: La guía definitiva y más completa de ayuda a padres ante el nacimiento del bebé, by Pedro Camacho (My newborn: The definitive and most complete guide to help parents before the birth of the baby)

This book is written by a Neonatology nurse at the hospital Ntra. Sra. del Prado de Talavera de la Reina, in Madrid, Spain; he advises new parents on issues such as colic treatment in nursing babies, cleaning the umbilical cord and the nose, among others; these topics are explained with illustrations. Publisher: Pedro Felipe Camacho Garcia.

Cover of the book Mi recién nacido: La guía definitiva y más completa de ayuda a padres ante el nacimiento del bebé
This book provides basic tips for baby care Photo: Taken from Amazon

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El factor papá: Un libro sencillo y revelador que deberían leer todos los padres, by Richard Fletcher (The Dad Factor: A Simple and Insightful Book Every Dad Should Read)

The importance of the father being involved in his baby’s life from the time of pregnancy is the central theme of this book. The author delves into the benefits for the emotional and mental development of his son, of having a close relationship with his father. Publisher: Sirio

Cover of the book El factor papá: Un libro sencillo y revelador que deberían leer todos los padres
The importance of the father in the life of his child is the central axis of this book. Photo: Editorial Sirio

Guía urgente del padre primerizo, by Rafael Esteve Lloret (Urgent Guide for the First–Time Father)

Through illustrated pages, the author recounts his personal experiences and gives advice to new fathers, with a touch of humor and irony, to face this new stage. The book covers different situations in daily life, from the difficulties of sleeping the newborn, to the couple’s relationship. Publisher: Larousse

Cover of the book Guía urgente del padre primerizo
Through the illustrations, the author tells his experience as a father Photo: Editorial Larousse

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Padre no hay más que uno… y ese soy yo: Anécdotas de cómo ser padre te cambia la vida, by Óscar Martínez (There is only one father… and that’s me: Anecdotes of how being a father changes your life)

The television presenter in Spain narrates his experiences becoming a father and how his life changed completely. Martínez says that, although men are usually afraid of everything that represents a commitment, embarking on the adventure of being a father is absolutely worthwhile. Publisher: Grijalbo

Cover of the book Padre no hay más que uno… y ese soy yo: Anécdotas de cómo ser padre te cambia la vida
The Spanish presenter tells his experiences as a first-time father Photo: Editorial Grijalbo

We hope that this selection of books be a support for this new stage. What did you think?

Translated by: Ligia M. Oliver Manrique de Lara

Spanish version

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4 Parenting errors you make as a mom or dad

It is said that nobody is born knowing how to be a parent, and it is a reality. We live in a constant duality. On the one hand, moms and dads must search for sustenance. Our occupations have increased, we are in an endless hurricane of tasks. On the other hand, our children need us. In this coming and going of activities, we make a thousand and one parenting mistakes that we can avoid.

The key is to identify the flaws to try to correct them. Although no one is exempt from making mistakes, the main thing is to realize those areas of opportunity, but above all not falling into excesses and give our children quality time.

Parenting mistakes to avoid

Workaholic parent

According to Verónica Gutiérrez, founder and general director of Parenting Global, a platform dedicated to accompanying and advising on paternity, maternity, upbringing, and child welfare, being a workaholic mom or dad is increasingly common. Still, not everyone who works becomes addicted to his labors.

“We can work out of necessity or because we like it, which does not make us workaholics. Workaholics are people who put their work before their health, free time, and their family”, explains the expert.

The children of the workaholic mom or dad feel that although their parents meet their food and economic needs, they are not satisfying their emotional part. “There is a lack of emotional nutrition that leaves them with a great void”.

The message given to children is that they are not important enough, that hurts them, they feel isolated. The children will seek attention as they can.

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Comparing children

Another mistake that has become normal is to compare children with their siblings, friends, cousins, or even strangers.

“Ever since I can remember, my mom has compared me. As much as I pushed myself in school, there was always another girl who was better. That marked me and, when I have to fight for something important, hurtful phrases come to my mind, and I block myself”, explains 32-year-old Mónica Luna.

Some parents have the mistaken belief that by comparing their children, they are motivating them. Sometimes they think that by doing this, the children will acquire the ability or behavior that they consider “admirable,” or kids will try to “get courage” and “shut their parents’ mouths” by improving.

However, the effect is just the opposite. When the comparison occurs with a sibling or another family member, it causes jealousy and a climate of competition that will affect their relationship for life. In the long run, there will be hatred and resentment.

The children who are constantly compared suffer serious consequences:

  • Their self-esteem is greatly affected.
  • They feel insecure, useless, unloved.
  • They tend to solve their problems aggressively.
  • Failure to meet parental expectations creates frustration.

Seek perfection

For the clinical psychologist, Seth Meyers, author of the Perfeccionismo en gente jóven (Perfectionism in Young People) blog, another parental mistake that could “ruin” their children’s lives is the irrational seek for perfection.

This attitude is usually accompanied by constant criticism, repeatedly reminding children of their mistakes or that their achievements are not enough.

Although discipline must be instilled and children must develop the best of themselves, extreme demands, which are not according to their age or abilities, become a hefty burden for children.

Being authoritarian or abusive

The worst mistake of all. Authoritarian parents or those who use physical punishment to reprimand instill fear, not love.

The US Department of Health and Human Services indicates that when hitting, humiliation or insults are part of everyday parenting, children are at serious risk for long-term physical and mental health problems.

The little ones will begin to have regressions such as bedwetting, thumb sucking, crying more often, or sleep problems. School-age children will feel guilty, have self-esteem issues, won’t feel like participating in school activities, and will isolate themselves. In the case of adolescents, they may become violent, engage in risky behavior or neglect their studies.

These are not the only mistakes parents make in raising children. Parenting is a constant trial and error. We may have experienced this parenting ourselves. Although we cannot change how we were brought up, we can change the pattern and avoid harming our children.

What other errors do you identify?

Translated by: Ligia M. Oliver Manrique de Lara

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Let´s empower our girls

Family is essential to prevent violence against women, so it is super important to raise free, strong, confident and independent girls. We have some tips for you to encourage your little girl to make her own decisions.

Avoid saying no

Dr. Marisol Pérez Ramos, an academic from the Department of Sociology at the Autonomous Metropolitan University (UAM), recommends that parents let their daughters make decisions from an early age, not overprotecting them and avoiding telling them no always.

With this simple piece of advice, from an early age, you teach them that their opinion is important.

“Regularly, girls are overprotected from not falling down, or getting dirty; the best thing is that the girls are free, that they fall, that they get dirty. You have to avoid saying “no” all the time, you have to let them experience new paths, get on the games and give them the confidence that they are able to do things”, she expresses.

Marisol Pérez Ramos, academic at UAM

Help empower your girls

Doctor Pérez Ramos comments that, instead of scolding the little ones, their confidence should be encouraged and supported if they make a mistake; you can change the scolding for positive expressions that encourage them to continue discovering their abilities.

“We can say the opposite: You can keep trying and next time you will do it. I mean change negative expressions for positive reinforcement and reduce scolding”.

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Avoid gender stereotypes

Gender stereotypes, in general, are those that condition our behavior and attitudes according to our biological sex. For example, pink, or characteristics such as fragility, are often associated with girls.

About hosehold chores

The UAM researcher recommends that girls should not be limited in their activities or tastes, but also avoid teaching them that household chores are exclusively for them, that they involve all family members.

“These types of limitations are all about gender violence, as well as the fact that girls are the ones who serve the food or do the chores. Nor should we tell them to always be nice or kind because it is a way of conditioning their behavior”, she explains.

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Do not compare girls with their brothers

Expressions like, “Your brother is allowed because he is a boy” is also a way of limiting girls. This encourages the propagation of gender stereotypes.

“Sometimes dads usually take their sons to soccer games and leave their daughters behind because they are girls. This is an example of a discriminatory process”, she highlights.

Our family is essential to prevent gender violence, so it is super important to foster confidence in our girls to empower them and make them free to achieve each one of their goals.

Translated by: Ligia Mabel Oliver Manrique de Lara

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Parental burnout or parents on the verge of a nervous breakdown

“My four-year-old daughter used to throw a lot of tantrums. I couldn’t stand them anymore. Before I started feeling parental burnout, I had a really good relationship with her, but suddenly every time she started screaming and crying my brain hurt”.

“So yeah, when she had a tantrum, I would start screaming hysterically too. I turned very violent, I used to say horrible things to her. It was very strong verbal violence and I tried to contain myself so as not to hit her, but several times I just wanted to kill her”.

“One day she didn’t want to take her nap and I couldn’t handle it anymore. At that age she didn’t take naps anymore, I know, but I was so desperate that I wanted her to go to sleep. So I put her on the bed, she hit herself on the edge, she started crying and I really just wanted to smother her”.

This chilling testimony is from a woman named Elisabeth and it’s real. It was shared by Moïra Mikolajczak, professor of medical psychology at the University of Leuven, at the World Parenting Forum, organized by Parenting Global.

“The story ended well. Fortunately, this mother asked for help and went to a psychiatrist. She hired a babysitter who became a safety net between her and her daughter. The mom never really hurt her daughter, but in this case we can see that she came close. If she hadn’t controlled herself or if she hadn’t sought help when she became aware of the thoughts she was having, things would have ended badly”, explained the specialist.

Parental burnout: exhaustion from being parents

Like Elisabeth, there are millions of moms and dads who feel enormous pressure and stress from being parents. It is chronic weariness that cannot be undone.

According to Mikolajczak, Elisabeth had gone to many seminars on respectful parenting, she read books on how to raise her daughter, but she was so tired that she ended up turning this way.

She didn’t know it but she had Parental Fatigue, also known as Parental Burnout.

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What is parental burnout?

When dad and mom reach the limit of their strength and are totally exhausted, with a feeling of emptiness, we can say that we are facing parental exhaustion. They love their children, but the experience of being parents becomes an ordeal.

Why do we reach that limit? What internal and external causes can trigger this chronic exhaustion?

Causes of Parenting Burnout

For Moïra Mikolajczak, although having children has always been stressful, there are many internal and external pressures today that contribute to developing this syndrome. “Many sociologists have identified these pressures, derived from modern life, and I am going to point out six”.

1. Change in gender roles

Today, men are expected to be more involved in parenting. However, women are still in charge of 65 to 70% of the tasks with children, even in countries where men contribute more.

2. Being a father today is a decision and if it is not, it is frustrating

Boys and girls are now much more desired and loved. Thanks to contraceptive methods, it is much easier to decide when we want to be parents. Having so many tools at hand, unwanted motherhood or fatherhood is frustrating.

3. The State can intervene in the upbringing of children

Thanks to the Convention on the Rights of Children in 1989, the rights of the youngest were recognized. This is very positive, but it increased the pressure on parents, who feel that they are exercising their role under the control of the State.

“In the past, the State did not intervene in the family. The institution of the family was powerful by itself. If the parents wanted to correct anything about their children, it was their right. Today spanking is prohibited in many countries. Now when a child misbehaves we have to think about what the appropriate consequence would be. The pressure on parents has increased”.

4. The role of psychologists and parenting recipes

Mikolajczak assures that psychologists also have to accept they can make mistakes because there is no magic recipe for raising children, although they propose some ways.

“We have written many books on how to help be better parents, but this implies that there is a recipe. The reality is that every exchange between parents and children is specific and unique. We can give advice, but it won’t always work with your son or daughter. When parents read these

5. The pressure on social network

One more source of pressure for parents comes from social media. There are sites that offer help, but deliver the opposite effect.

Exceptional Parenting, Super Moms&Dads, The Ministry of Parenting, Parenting Formula, etc. are sites that offer parents help, but they end up contributing to burnout by putting a lot of pressure on them”, says the psychologist.

Another way social media builds pressure is when we see other people’s lives and think they’re better than our own.

6. Increased individualistic values

The last issue pointed out by the expert is the growth of individualistic values. In the past, being a selfless mother and father was the only thing, there was no room to think about themselves, today that is changing.

“Individualistic values give everyone the right and duty to be happy and think about their own happiness. But parenting is a job of self-sacrifice. Let’s say they are between two contradictory worlds. On the one hand thinking about themselves and on the other about their children. That’s pressure too”.

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Symptoms of Parental Burnout

Adding to that pressure, Mikolajczak says there are personal factors that cause fatigue to accumulate. For example, if the parents have psychological wounds due to a complicated childhood, if they have a child with eating, learning, health, behavioral disorders… Everything accumulates in a kind of pressure cooker.

To identify if a mom or dad is burnout there are four symptoms:

a) Feeling of being fatigued or exhausted:

It is not fatigue because this disappears with a few nights of sleep. It is a chronic exhaustion that consumes all the energy and the little that may remain is kept for oneself.

b) Emotional distance with children

The parents are so overwhelmed that they feel like they’re acting in pilot mode, like robots. They have no energy to invest in a relationship with their children.

c) Loss of pleasure

They are tired of being parents. They say, “I love my children, but I don’t feel any pleasure being with them.” The feeling of irritability predominates, they only like to see how they sleep, they see it as the only time they feel love towards them.

d) Contrast with the mom or dad you are and the one you wanted to be

There comes a point where burnout parents become violent and do not recognize themselves. This creates despair, guilt, grief, shame, and more stress. They just can’t believe how they are in contrast to how they wanted to be.

Consequences of parental burnout

Not all parents with parental burnout will experience these consequences, but they are the most common.

  • Irritability
  • Feeling guilty
  • Shame
  • Isolation and loneliness
  • As this intensifies, it leads to self-hatred

When the symptoms become more severe, we can begin to see physical illnesses, psychological disorders, alcohol and drug use and suicidal ideation that become more intense.

Suicidal thoughts are more frequent than in other types of burnout or depression because you cannot escape or give up your responsibilities as a parent. If you are unhappy or burnt out at work, you can take a few days off, or you can even quit; here clearly you cannot change your children.

There are also strong consequences for children. Gradually violent behavior towards them increases.

“A worn out parent stops paying attention to his children due to the emotional distance. He may fail to meet his educational or nutritional needs. If you let a teenager cook, there is not so much of a problem, but if you make a 6 or 7-year-old child cook his own food, without any supervision, there is danger”, concludes Mikolajczak.

Translated by: Ligia M. Oliver Manrique de Lara

Spanish version

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6 Parenting Challenges You Face when You Have a Child

Being a mom or dad is a big challenge. Your life is transformed and a series of concerns come to your mind about how to raise that little being who totally depends on you. We are almost always improvising on unknown scenarios, but how about taking a few minutes to analyze some parenting challenges that will come to you with the arrival of your baby?

6 Modern Parenting Challenges

According to the 2021 Modern Parenting Index prepared by Nestlé and the consulting firm Kantar, based on the opinion of more than 8,000 mothers and fathers of babies from 0 to 12 months in 16 countries, including Mexico, these are the main challenges that parents face.

1. A hyper connected world

32% of new parents said that despite living in a world where friends and family are just a WhatsApp message away, it is very common to feel that they are alone with the baby. This is because parenting has continual doubts.

2. Peer pressure

51% of those surveyed said they felt observed and under a lot of pressure about how to raise children.

3. Guilt: the biggest parenting challenge

45% agreed that new parents take on a lot of blame which has a long-term impact.

The main factors that lead to guilt are going back to work, leaving the children in someone else’s care and not knowing if they are being a good parent.

4. Unexpected realities

31% said they were not prepared for the reality of being a mom or dad, they were shocked. 53% recognized that it is more work than they expected.

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5. Unrequested advice

60% of respondents felt that everyone had an opinion on how to raise children.

6. Shared parenting

Of the fathers and mothers surveyed, 62% believe that men are more involved in the care of their children than previous generations.

There is still room for improvement in this area, with only 49% stating that childcare responsibilities are shared equally between the mother and her partner.

Translated by: Ligia M. Oliver Manrique de Lara

Spanish version: Here

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The Box of Kisses: a story for children that makes parents think

The Little Box of Kisses, also called, The Box Full of Kisses, is a children’s story that teaches parents the importance of words. Because mom and dad are not only responsible for meeting the needs of children, but also the way they treat their children form the image of themselves. The story, which is by an unknown author, goes like this:

The Box of Kisses

Some time ago, a man punished his little 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper, which he had saved for Christmas presents.

Money was tight on those days, so he exploded in fury when he saw the girl trying to wrap a cardboard box.

The little girl’s idea was to put the box under the Christmas tree as a special gift, but her father did not know this, and he yelled at her to send her to her room.

The little girl, sad and disheartened, moved from the sight of her father who continued to angrily grumble about the cost of that beautiful wasted paper.

“Don’t you know how much that paper costs? You mustn’t have played with it. Go to your room!”

So, the next morning, the girl shyly took the gift to her father and said,

“This is for you, Daddy”.

The man was embarrassed by his previous furious reaction, but he exploded again when he saw that the box was empty.

And he again shouted at her angrily:

“But what kind of joke is this? Don’t you know that when you give someone a gift there’s supposed to be something inside?”.

The little girl looked up, she was shocked to see her father’s angry reaction. With tears in her eyes, and, very afraid, she told him,

“Oh, Daddy, it’s not empty! Last night before wrapping it up I blew a lot of kisses into that box and they’re all for you”.

The man felt very guilty for having been so cruel.

He fell to his knees, hugged her daughter and begged her to forgive him. It is said that this father kept that golden box near his bed for the rest of his life. The girl grew up and left home to start her own family. Whenever he felt alone and defeated, he took an imaginary kiss from her and remembered the love that her daughter had deposited there. Over time he understood that there was no more beautiful gift that he could have received.

Reflection

How many times have we received a golden box full of unconditional love and magical kisses from our children?

How many times have we had disproportionate reactions for superficial things?

Why is it difficult for us to understand that a kiss is worth more than any other object, however expensive it may be?

Let’s rescue that drawing full of tenderness, that poorly made craft, that little orange juice made with his little hands full of dirt and love.

There are many gifts, but none as beautiful as the love of our children.

Translated by: Ligia M. Oliver Manrique de Lara

Spanish version: Here

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How to be patient with children

Patience is a virtue, but it is not easy to develop.

It is linked to:

  • A mature, educated and humane personality.
  • Know how to listen, speak and be careful of each of the actions and decisions we make.
  • And to have a balanced mind to see things clearly and in the future.

It’s hard for all of us, but if you’re a mom, it’s definitely harder. How to be patient with children? Why do we lose it so often?

Patience with children

The act of being patient means to be perseverant in relation to something. In the case of raising our children, it is to be aware that it is a daily process, with many ups and downs.

Along with patience, other virtues such as peace, calm, tolerance and prudence are developed.

According to Alejandra Velasco, parenting expert, workshop facilitator and author of the book Ayuda, tengo hijos, for a person (especially a mother) to be patient with her children, it is essential that she has “fuel”, energy, that she is not at the limit in other life situations.

“How to be patient with children? To answer that question, I would first ask to that mother, ‘How do you feel?’ If you lose patience with your children, it is very likely that you are physically exhausted. If you had worked all day, and when you get home at night you still have to do homework with your children, logically, it would cost you much more work to be patient!”

“In these times women have acquired many more responsibilities. If you have little fuel, you are not sleeping well, you are full of activities… and now with the pandemic many moms are 24/7 with their children… How are you, mom? If you have problems with your partner, you lost your job, you have no money, or you depend economically on someone else, all of these burdens make you more desperate”, explains the expert.

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Be delightfully imperfect

For Velasco, the key to not losing patience is to be deliciously imperfect, that is, not trying to cover many activities and not wanting to control everything. We must do our best, but accept that we have limits.  

“It happens that we want to be the perfect mother, the perfect wife, the perfect friend, the perfect daughter. That search is exhausting and counterproductive. I kindly tell you, that if you want to be perfect, everything will go wrong”.

Before wanting to be an A+ woman, mother and wife, with A+ children, give yourself permission to be imperfect: “What would you think if you start being a B- and work little by little?  It is okay to want to improve, but if you demand too much of yourself, you submit your body to unnecessary stress and drag your family into that neurosis. After a while your neck hurts, you have an anxiety crisis. Better inhale peace, exhale stress”.

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Fill your fuel tank

“Before applying any strategy with your children, you must fill your “tank” with energy and tolerance. How do you fill it? Doing things for you. Many moms ask me, ‘How am I going to have time with four children?’ Well, create routines! From an early age, make your children responsible for themselves! Share responsibilities with your partner!”, explains the also author of the book, Por favor, no me griten, por las buenas sí hago caso (Please, don´t shout at me, I will listen).

Some tips that can help you to fill the tank and be deliciously imperfect are:

Create routines

It is essential for children and, believe it or not, they love and need routine, it tells them the way to go. If you schedule that they are going to do homework at a certain time, get them down to work at that time without excuse. If you agree that they would go to sleep at 9, start at 7:30 with the routine of having dinner, taking a bath, and finally put them to bed. “Stay on track”, says Ale Velasco.

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Make them accountable

Children have to assume their responsibilities.

“Be imperfect. Once I told a doctor, ‘My teenage son doesn’t tidy up his room!’ Well, close the door of the room and let him assume he is like that. We have this Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and if they don’t arrange the toilet paper the way we want, we get angry”. Just relax!

Your partner must cooperate

Carrying a load for just one person is not the same as sharing it between two. The responsibility of the children is of two; the chores of the house is responsibility of all those who live in it.

“Come to agreements. In my workshops I have a challenge called Fly where I ask the participants to first seek to be women and then mothers. When you’re happy as a woman, you’re going to reproduce it as a mom. If you are angry with your partner, you will transmit your frustrations. You have to set limits”.

Be imperfect

Many moms have trouble dealing with challenging children, but before that, the expert emphasizes, be imperfect.

“If they don’t want to sleep, turn off the light and leave him alone, that’s it! Get out of your room and he can poke his eyes if he is not sleepy, that’s his problem. If, for example, the drawing he is doing doesn’t turn out well or he doesn’t want to do the homework, leave him alone, it’s his homework, not yours. If he does not turn it in, he will have his consequence at school, or you highlight the consequence at home, but leave him, do not be after him. Set him free!”

Don’t mistake patience with negligence

Don’t go to the other extreme either. Do not confuse being patient with being indifferent, passive and even negligent, that is an extreme in which we do not want to fall as mothers.

Rather, it is about facing things with serenity, facing difficulties calmly, optimistically, always looking for the best solution.

Finally, don’t take time for mom for granted, start with minutes and increase it as needed.

“Make the T sign with your hands and tell your children, ‘Stop, it’s mom’s time, I don’t want to be interrupted in these following minutes.’ Start with five minutes, in that period no one can enter your space. You can even set a timer. This helps them accept and see that respect is a great value and that you also have your own things to do”, concludes Velasco.

Translated by: Ligia M. Oliver Manrique de Lara

Spanish version

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Raising without myths, a guide to a more informed parenting without so many worries

Raising without myths: It seems that being a mother is a synonym of worries, but this, like many other false beliefs that exist around parenting and how to care a baby, is a lie.

That is why Emily Oster, an economist by profession and mother of two, wrote the book Criar sin mitos (Parenting without Myths) approaching with data and scientific evidence, the doubts that parents have:

“To help them feel more informed and less likely to google answers”, says the author.

We chatted with Emily Oster about her book, which is a guide that all moms and dads should have at their bedsides. In the end you will understand that everything will be fine, stop worrying!

Life changes and you have to adapt

The birth of a baby not only turns the life of the parents upside down, but also of the whole family.

At first it can be very difficult, “My first year as a mom was especially hard. With both my kids, I have had times when I wanted to give up for different reasons, but with my first girl I felt sad. I love my daughter very much, but I missed my old life”.

“With my second child I felt better, but I was feeling sad because I didn’t want to lose the closeness I already had with my first daughter, who at that time was already four years old”.

“I think the main challenge was how to manage my time and identify what part of what people say about motherhood was a lie, what I should repeat with my second baby and what not”, explains the author.

Instead of sticking with “what people say”

Emily decided to dig deep and document every major decision she had to make as a mom. From how to take care of a baby the first days, to topics such as breastfeeding, vaccinations, bedtimes, choosing a daycare, or going back to work.

“When I got pregnant I didn’t realize how everything around me would change. I faced and overcame many challenges, but it was not until the birth of my second child that I understood the things that I had done well and those that I had not, my mistakes and successes. Then came the book”.

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Parenting without Myths or any additional stress

While being a mom and dad does come with a lot of anxiety and worry, you don’t have to add to the stress with unsupported sayings and advice.

In the book

The author demolishes myths and puts on the table, based on facts, her sentence, an informed opinion that she hopes will help other parents.

“A myth that I address in the book is everything that people say about breastfeeding. It certainly has benefits, but it is exaggerated. They say it is wonderful, that it will help you lose weight, and it will make your children more intelligent and successful”.

“I tried to identify what was true and what was not. I found that it does have benefits, especially when the baby is very young; for example it helps with his digestion. But not everything that is said is true and I think that magnifying it adds a lot of pressure to moms”, adds Oster.

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Make decisions based on what makes you happy

One conclusion Oster drew with her book is that parents have the right to make their own decisions and should always focus on what makes them happy.

“When people make important decisions, they think that deciding based on the baby is the only way to go. However, in the book I found that you should also think about yourself as a parent”.

During the research

“For example, during the research, I found that there are not many differences between children whose parents go out to work and those who are at home. That is why I tell you to think about what is best for you as a family, as a whole, what makes you happy”.

Conclusion

Finally, the book leaves us with a reflection that should be clear to us: don’t worry, you’re doing well as a mom and dad. “There are many ways to be a good parent, and you don’t have to do things as someone else says, it’s okay to find your own solutions”, the author concludes.

Criar sin mitos de Emily Oster (Parenting without Myths)

Publisher: Diana / Planeta

Books Review: Any new mom or dad knows that friends, family, doctors and even strangers on the internet give a lot of often contradictory advice about raising a baby.

This is a guide to decipher your baby’s first years.

Translated by: Ligia M. Oliver Manrique de Lara

Spanish version

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