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5 stigmas working moms face

Posted on 23/09/2021 - 13:45 by Desarrollo WebAdictos

In the 21st century, women are still forced to choose between motherhood and professional development. How many of us have been told phrases like “I don’t hire moms” or “we need someone without children”? No more discrimination and stigmas for working moms.

Juggling and wage gap

According to UN WOMEN, the gender wage gap is 16%, this means that women earn only 84% of what men earn.

In addition to being over-represented in vulnerable and informal jobs, women perform more care and domestic work than men, globally.

“The disadvantage due to motherhood is a reason for wage inequality. On average, working mothers are paid less, and the disparity is greater as the number of daughters or sons increases”, says UN Women.

Through a document that addresses the wage gap, the agency explains:

“The fact that mothers have lower wages is related to reduced working hours; being employed in jobs suitable for family life but with low wages; hiring and promotion decisions that harm their careers and with a lack of programs that support returning to work after being out of the labor market”.

In the book Overwhelmed, by Brigid Schulte, the author talks about confetti time: countless fragments that we cut out throughout the day in an attempt to satisfy the greatest number of demands. Working moms must “juggle” balancing their professional and family lives.

According to the ranking, Mejores empresas para madres trabajadoras, by Mamá Godín, out of the 960 executive positions, 334 are held by women. That is, 36% of that figure, only 13% are mothers, in contrast to 64% occupied by men, of whom 27% are fathers. “With these data we can analyze the situation of mothers and their low participation in the labor force”, says Aideé Zamorano, founder of Mamá Godín.

Inegi data indicate that 33.4% of working mothers work in the informal sector. In addition, they do not have access to health services as a labor benefit.

In addition to inequalities at work (the salary gap and the glass ceiling), working mothers face social stigmas that limit their development.

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1. “I don’t hire women with children because they ask for a lot of permits”

Many companies do not want to give mothers maternity leave, nor are they flexible with them during pregnancy and lactation.

Between January 2011 and March 2020, the National Council to Prevent Discrimination (Conapred) received 723 reports of women fired because their employers found out that they were going to be mothers; even though this is illegal.

Most working mothers feel that they are not given flexibility in their jobs. They prefer to work in companies where they can do remote work or opt for informal work to have more time to spend at home and raising children.

2. “Working mothers abandon their children”

There are tensions between working and non-working mothers over how to raise children. Mothers who decide to work are singled out and it is believed that they do not pay the same attention to their children or do not “take good care of them”.

This is deeply rooted in society; historically women have been in charge of raising children. The ideal would be to create a national care system, or increase government support and programs aimed at working mothers.

As for companies, they should implement flexible hours, remote work, coaching programs, support groups for working mothers, as well as medical and psychological care for infants and mothers, especially in times of pandemic, since high rates of stress, depression and anxiety have been reported, according to WHO data.

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3. “Housework is a women’s thing”

Historically, women are the main heads of the household, which makes it difficult for them to combine motherhood and housework with a steady job.

Women spend an average of 4.1 hours a day on housework and childcare, in contrast men spend 1.7 hours a day, according to the Covid-19 report and the economy of care, prepared by UN Women. In addition to their working day outside the home, women carry out another workday inside the home.

Some approaches focus on promoting new models of fatherhood among men, as well as educating girls and boys to share these responsibilities. For example, the Three Rs approach: recognize, redistribute and reduce domestic and care work.

4. “Caring for children is mere responsibility of mothers”

Culturally established gender roles in society tend to make women’s participation in newborn care mandatory.

The Federal Labor Law reinforces it, since a pregnant woman in Mexico is granted 84 days of maternity leave, distributed before and after childbirth, while a man only 5 days of paternity leave.

“It is the companies the ones that have the responsibility and the challenge of equalizing maternity and paternity benefits, in order not to reinforce stereotypes in the laws, since the bias drives women out of the labor market”, adds Zamorano.

You can read: Is the coronavirus a professional alert for moms?

5. The “luchona” (fight) moms

Mothers who for some reason live without the father of their children are singled out and stigmatized. With the arrival of social networks, this mockery has gone viral and they are called “Luchona (wrestling) moms” forgetting the responsibility of the father who abandons his children and the mother is the only one in charge of providing and caring for them.

In 2020, 36.7 million women aged 15 and over who have at least one daughter or son were identified, of which 11 million do not have a spouse, which represents 30.1%.

Of the total number of mothers who do not declare having a spouse, 66.9% were once in a relationship, and are currently divorced, separated or widowed, while the remaining 33.1% declare themselves single.

As for the economically active population, 5.9 million are single mothers, of which 43% are single and 57% were once in a relationship.

Mothers without a spouse who are heads of their household and are employed are 3.4 million, equal to 71.8% of all women who declare themselves in charge of their household, according to a document prepared by Inmujeres.

We need public policies with a gender perspective that do not reinforce these stereotypes. It is essential to promote tax incentives for companies that hire more women and mothers, as well as a Government provider of a national care system and other initiatives that can be implemented to break down stigmas. But above all, society is also required to get involved to really achieve a change in mentality, ideas and beliefs.

Translated by: Ligia M. Oliver Manrique de Lara

Spanish version: Here

Other topics of interest: To be or not to be a mother, a well-thought and individual decision Children beyond the family What the lockdown took from the children.

Does a strict mother raise successful children?

Posted on 06/09/2021 - 13:20 by Desarrollo WebAdictos

Some time ago a reseach by the University of Essex, in the United Kingdom suggested that people who had an authoritarian mother tended to achieve more goals in life than those who had a permissive mother. Is it true that a strict one leads her children to success?

The reality is that you have to be very careful with that statement. One thing is to be a mother who guides and encourages her children to achieve her goals and another very different thing is to be a toxic and controlling mother who imposes her will.

Authoritarian mothers and the success of their children

Erica Rascón, professor at the University of Essex, and lead author of the research, says there is a correlation between successful people and the demands of their mothers. To draw this conclusion, she surveyed more than 15,000 children ages 13 to 14 over a six-year period.

In her results, she shows that children, whose mothers had high expectations, had much more confidence and security. Additionally, daughters who had persistent and “annoying” mothers had a 4% lower chance of getting pregnant prematurely, while boys had a higher chance of finishing college.

However, the research, which was not published in any renowned scientific journal, does not specify or define the term “authoritarian”, “strict” or “naggish”. Can we call authoritarian a mother who guides her children and teaches them discipline through consensus? Of course not. Is it the same for a mother who decides for her children the path they should follow and controls them even in adult life? No!

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The harm of being a toxic-controlling mother

According to Lucy Serrano, psychologist and individual, family and couple therapist, author of the book El precio del amor (The price of love), although we have idealized the mother as an example of love, dedication, self-sacrifice and concern for children, sometimes there is a different reality. “Of course you shouldn’t generalize, but there are mothers who unintentionally, wanting to protect their children, become controlling, absorbing, limiting”. Instead of doing well and leading their children to success, they become a factor against their children that can have repercussions throughout their lives.

“Of course there are no perfect mothers, we all make mistakes. But how many mothers think that by controlling their children is how they protect them of danger, they fill them with resentment, such as when these mothers tell girls that all men are bad?”

According to the expert, controlling mothers want to direct the lives of their children, even when they have already started a family. Although they do not admit it, they are narcissistic, wishing to have flawless children as a reflection of their own perfection. Before society, she is an exemplary mother, but she can be critical or distant in her relationship with her children.

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They can cause deep wounds

There are many subtypes of the controlling mother, such as the competitive mother, who sees her children (especially her daughters) as clouds that do not let her shine, so she becomes aggressive or rejects them. In all cases, although it is possible that they force their children to reach certain standards, this type of mother tends to leave deep emotional wounds in them. “In many cases the emotional wounds are very deep. For example, if there was some type of abandonment or physical abuse, professional help is required to analyze each individual case”, explains the therapist.

If you have a controlling type of mother, the expert recommends, besides seeking professional help, be discreet, focus on making your own decisions, and stop seeking her approval. “If you have a controlling, toxic mother, the first thing I ask is not to tell her everything. The more information you give her, the more she will get into your life. Look for help and remember that, not because she is your mother and she is older than you, she is the possessor of the absolute truth. I’m not telling you to lie to her, but if you know she’s that type, be discreet and don’t ask her permission or approval to take any step. Set limits through dialogue. Tell her that you are sorry that her opinion is different, but that it is your decision and you will deal with the consequences”.

In many cases, it helps when the children achieve independence and are old enough to live in a different place. However, as long as the child continues allowing it, that mother will continue to interfere in his life.

Remember that you borrow your children

The expert points out that it is important that all mothers, whether they have young, adolescent or adult children, think that children are independent people; they have to guide them but, in the end, they will have to carve out their own destiny. “I do not agree that a mother, just because she gave birth to you, thinks she is the owner of your life. Here I speak to the mothers. It is not like that, your children do not really belong to you, they are not your property. You are in charge of them for a little while.

You do have a responsibility towards them and there is no better way than giving them all your love, but they are not puppets or marionettes to handle as you please”, says Serrano. So, is it that a strict and authoritarian mother raises successful children? The answer is… it depends on many factors, it depends on what you mean by strict, it depends on the reaction of the children.

Undoubtedly, we always have to encourage our little ones to reach their goals, but I repeat, there is a big difference between being a mom who promotes discipline and a mom who becomes toxic. What kind of mom do you want to be?

Translated by: Ligia M. Oliver Manrique de Lara

Spanish version: Here

Other interesting topics: A father who takes care of his baby does not help, he exercises his paternity

Energetic bonds between parents and children

Grandparents’ Day, Day of Wisdom. Congratulations!

Posted on 27/08/2021 - 17:25 by Desarrollo WebAdictos

“If I had known how wonderful it is to have grandchildren, I would have had them first”, says humorously Filiberta Arteaga, grandmother of Luis, Julio, Paola, Mariana, Samantha, Karla, Ximena, Sofia, Miguel, Daniela, Renata, Nicole, Hannia, Julieta and Victoria. “All of them, at different times, have been my joy with their pranks and, although they have grown up, they keep filling my soul. They are a garden of love that grows in the heart”.

Grandmothers and grandfathers are love, understanding, wisdom, dedication and strength. They offer us a priceless treasure. They are a fundamental pillar in the upbringing of their grandchildren; thanks to them many parents can go out to make a living; they transmit experience, tranquility, stability… simply LOVE.

August 28th, Grandparents’ Day

On August 28^th, Grandparents’ Day is celebrated in Mexico. The date is different from the one celebrated in other countries in Latin America or Europe. For example, in Colombia it is celebrated on August 16^th, in Venezuela on May 29^th, in Chile on October 15^th, and in Spain on July 26^th. Anyway, this August 28^th is our Grandparents’ Day, a date that has several possible origins.

The possible origins of Grandparents’ Day

Some people say that it was established on August 28^th since it is the feast of Augustine of Hippo, who lived in the fourth and fifth centuries and is considered the ‘father’ of the Catholic Church. Saint Augustine laid the foundations of Christianity as we know it to these days. It is said that his conversion to Christianity occurred in adulthood, thanks to the influence and prayers of his mother, Santa Monica.

Saint Augustine by Philippe de Champaigne. Photo: Wikimedia Commons

Another possible theory is that, in 1957, the Pan-American Congress of Gerontology (scientific discipline that studies aging) was held in Mexico. During the congress, Colombian Guillermo Marroquin Sánchez instituted August 28^th as Grandparents’ Day, and since then in Mexico adopted it.

The most accepted and credible theory is that on August 28^th, 1994, the radio broadcaster Edgar Fernando Gaytan Monzón instituted the date from his radio show “La Hora Azul” in Chihuahua. María Grever’s song Cuando vuelva a tu lado (When I Come Back to Your Side) performed by Eydie Gorme and Los Panchos served as background music and witness to that event.

The Statement that Edgar Gaytan read when establishing Grandparents' Day. Photo: Facebook @edgar.gaytan.585 — The Statement that Edgar Gaytan read when establishing Grandparents’ Day. Photo: Facebook @edgar.gaytan.585

Although in Mexico City there was already a day dedicated to grandparents since 1983, it was not until 1998 that August 28^th was instituted as the Day of the Elderly. Interesting, isn’t it?

Phrases to reflect and dedicate to your grandparents

They are full of wisdom.

1. “A grandmother is a person with silver in her hair and gold in her heart”, anonymous.

2. “There are parents who do not love their children, but there is no grandparent who does not adore his grandchildren”, Victor Hugo

3. “One of the most powerful handshakes is given by the new grandchild on the finger of his grandparent”, anonymous.

4. “We should all have a person who knows how to bless us despite the evidence. My grandfather was that person for me”, Phyllis Theroux.

5. “One of the joys of being a grandfather is to see the world again through the eyes of a child”, David Suzuki.

6. “It is natural that we often feel closer to distant generations than those immediately preceding us”, anonymous.

7. “Perfect love sometimes doesn’t come until the first grandchild”, English proverb.

8. “A grandmother is a wonderful mother with many years of practice”.

9. “A grandfather is an old man on the outside but still a child on the inside”, anonymous.

10. “Some of the best educators in the world are grandparents”, Charles W. Shedd.

11. “Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet”, Gene Perret.

12. “When grandparents walk through the door, discipline flies out the window”, Ogden Nash.

13. “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty years old. She’s ninety-seven years old now, and we don’t know where the hell she is”, Ellen DeGeneres.

14. “Every generation rebels against their parents and makes friends with their grandparents”, Lewis Mumford.

15. “A grandmother is a mother who has a second chance”, anonymous.

16. “The grandparents, like the heroes, are as necessary for the growth of children as vitamins”, Joyce Allston.

17. “For a little boy, the perfect grandpa isn’t afraid of big dogs or fierce storms, but he is absolutely terrified of the word ‘boo’”, Robert Brault.

18. “Your daily life is better understood if you know the history of your grandparents”, anonymous.

19. “Grandmothers are voices from the past, role models from the present, open doors to the future”, Helen Ketchum.

20. What children need most are those that grandparents provide in abundance. They give unconditional love, kindness, patience, humor, comfort, life lessons. And most important, cookies”, Rudy Giuliani.

21. “Beautiful young people are accidents of nature. But the beautiful old ones are works of art”, Marjory Barslow-Greenbie.

22. “My grandfather has the wisdom of an owl and the heart of an angel”, anonymous.

23. “No one can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents drop stardust on the lives of young children”, Alex Haley.

24. “The reason why grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy”, Sam Levenson.

25. “There is no accomplice in our lives more beautiful than a grandfather; in him we have a father, a teacher and a friend”, Leticia Yamashiro.

Congratulations to grandparents on your day! Photo: PxFuel

Translated by: Ligia Mabel Oliver Manrique de Lara

Resilience for pandemials: a guide for raising children in times of Covid-19

Posted on 26/08/2021 - 12:29 by Desarrollo WebAdictos

The Alpha generation, the children born after 2010, after the centennials, are now called in many places as the pandemials. They are our children, the little ones who have had to explain the world to themselves with Covid-19, the ones who had to adapt to isolation, closed parks, and online classes.

Undoubtedly, children are the most affected in this environment and are the ones to receive the least attention; that is why the existence of books such as Resiliencia para pandemials (Resilience for pandemials), by Alejandra Crail, an investigation with data, specific cases, and multidisciplinary analysis that is at the same time a guide for parents is of great help because we still don’t know the impact that the pandemic will have on our children.

Resilience for pandemials

We talked with Alejandra Crail about her book and the need to foster in our children the ability to transcend any circumstance. That is resilience.

Baby Creysi (BC): After more than a year of the pandemic, what have we learned from it?

Alejandra Crail (AC): The learning is not over yet, but one of the most important things is that thanks to the pandemic we were able to establish our priorities.

We are discovering that things that we used to consider important, actually they are not. The lockdown allowed us to reconnect with people. In the case of caregivers who have girls and boys around, connect with their little ones. The daily dynamics prevented a close contact, sometimes there was left just the blood bond. The confinement came to give us perspective of how important it is to be together, to live together, and to give quality time.

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The adult-centered view

BC: Children are the most forgotten within the pandemic, why is it so hard for us to turn around and notice them?

AC: We have been raised with an adult-centered vision. Turn to see yourself when you were a child, adults were always right and there were very few occasions when they listened to us.

Things have not changed and we can also notice it in government decisions, the government manages the public administration towards children. As members of an entire system we share the adult-centered vision, we belie

ve that adults are the beholders of reason and we tend to think that those tiny voices that are developing do not contribute much. The truth is that children are citizens today though it is hard for us to recognize it.

The pandemic represented an opportunity in that sense. After sharing a room 24 x 7, we force ourselves to turn to see their needs. We were able to listen to what worries our children, find out what makes them happy, what they dislike, what they fear.

Alejandra Crail is an investigative journalist, writer and photographer, specialist in human rights, children and gender. Photo: Alejandra Crail

Child abuse: the open secret that nobody wants to see

BC: During the pandemic, child abuse intensified. Are children especially vulnerable in Mexico?

AC: Abuse is a global phenomenon that stems from the adult-centric view that children are our property. However, in Mexico, due to our characteristics as a society, of course we are more prone to child abuse than some other more developed countries because here we have a lot of machismo and misogyny.

The patriarchal vision is very strong in the family, and the pandemic strengthened a problem that we have been dragging for a long time. A couple of years ago I published an investigation on child abuse; in it, we talked about the last point in the chain of violence experienced by girls and boys in Mexico.

The data, very conservative because there is not enough information, told us that every two days a child under the age of 15 is murdered by a family member, in his home, directly from abuse.

During the pandemic the figures increased because we spend much more time at home. In addition, the loss of employment, the economic problems and all the effects that the pandemic brought along increased the risk that adults would be violent with younger children because they are the last in the chain of vulnerability.

This is an opportunity to make visible something that has always been there. Today it is harsher, but it was an open secret that nobody wanted to talk about or notice.

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A resilience guide for pandemials

BC: Your book is a guide for caregivers. What are the 5 keys for our children to develop resilience?

AC: First I would tell you that self-care is the foundation. If we as women, or for fathers too, it applies to all caregivers, but if we do not take care of our bodies, our minds, our health, it becomes like a barrier that does not let us be guides for our children.

The second is to recognize the voice that our girls and boys have. Listen to them and generate links from the dialogue. Validate their contributions, do not deceive them, and share with them what is happening, including our own fears to develop real confidence.

The third thing, after the imbalance and the transfer of school education to homes, try to create a routine.

Routines allow children to know their limits and responsibilities. These are based on their development within society. Fourth, I want to remind caregivers that the only job children have is to play.

Even in the midst of a pandemic, of confinement, it is important that they play. If the parents played with them, it would be better, but the game is part of their development, it is how they explain the world.

Finally, the issue of mourning is fundamental. We must respect the processes involved in mourning and accept them as adults. It’s important because it allows us to get back on track after a loss, not just the death of a loved one, but any loss.”

The ravages of the pandemic on our children

BC: What will be the impact of the pandemic on our children? Looking into the future, what will children growing up in a world with Covid-19 be like?

AC: It is complicated because we are not very clear about what is happening to us now, but definitely in 10 and 15 years we will be seeing what we are planting. We call pandemials the generations that are in the process of formation because they are absorbing all the information in the world as it is, and obviously this is going to have an impact on their lives, on their morals, on their ethics, on how they relate to other people.

One of the main characteristics is going to be this hyper-connectivity that we are experiencing. The fact of using technology all the time. Girls and boys are learning that this is the way the world is, when in reality we, pre-pandemic, know that it was not like this before.

The ways in which we relate to each other and their mental health are going to change a lot.

We are going to have girls and boys who are going to grow up with issues of anxiety and depression.

That is why it is very important to take care of them now because those little seeds that are planted in these matters can develop big problems. Now it is so early that it is not noticeable, but they will suffer in adulthood. It is important to give them tools starting today.

Resiliencia para pandemials (Resilience for Pandemials) is available in bookstores

Resiliencia para pandemials

Author: Alejandra Crail Editorial Grijalbo / Penguin Random House Review: Suddenly, covid-19 caused millions of pandemials be face to face with grief, illness, parental unemployment, distance learning, family abuse, isolation and uncertainty.

The pandemic put them, all of a sudden, in a situation that no one had prepared them for… and no mom, dad, teacher or guardian was ready either. This book seeks to solve that problem.

Summoned by the journalist Alejandra Crail, the leading experts on childhood and adolescence unfold a great deck of emotional and therapeutic options so children can overcome this crisis and, in the end, turn it into growth and well-being. You can also download it digitally on: I like reading

Resiliencia para pandemials (Resilience for Pandemials) Upbringing and accompaniment in times of Covid-19, by Alejandra Crail. Photo: Penguin Random House

Translated by: Liga M. Oliver Manrique de Lara

Spanish version

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How to prepare a homemade oral saline solution

Posted on 23/08/2021 - 21:07 by Desarrollo WebAdictos

You don’t have to be in the middle of the desert to get dehydrated. An intestinal infection with diarrhea, high fever, vomiting or loss of water is enough to cause a negative fluid balance, which can be very dangerous.

Why does a young child become dehydrated?

Dehydration means your little one has lost too much water and can’t drink enough fluids to replenish right away. The main cause of dehydration is diarrhea, although it can also be caused by high temperatures.

“When there is dehydration, the water rich in minerals, nutrients and alkalis that help us live is lost and we begin to present symptoms. In small children, the soft part of the head, called soft spot, sinks in, and his eyes and mouth become dry. In older children, who no longer have the soft spot, are also going to have sunken tearless eyes and a dry mouth”, says Dr. Bosco Alcívar Dueñas.

“The chest begins to breathe more deeply because it wants to get rid of the acids that are harming us. The abdomen sinks, little urine is passed and the limbs begin to lose strength”, adds the pediatrician.

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How to make homemade oral saline solution

To prevent dehydration, it is a good option to give your little one electrolytes. The Mexican Institute of Social Security offers Vida Suero Oral (oral saline solution) in its clinics, but you can also prepare your own version at home.

You will need:

1 liter of water
2 tablespoons of sugar
½ teaspoon of salt
1 cup lemon juice.

Instructions:

Simply mix all the ingredients in a pitcher as if you were preparing lemonade. It should be drunk throughout the day.

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How homemade oral saline solution works

All ingredients are used for the recovery of lost fluids and electrolytes.

Water: It fills the body’s natural cistern and is the best solvent.

Sugar: It returns energy to our brain, which moves with a single fuel called glucose.

Salt: Here it is sodium chloride, common salt, electricity, electrolytes, this gives our limbs the ability to move.

Lemon: it is acid, but at the moment it is in contact with water, it becomes alkaline and counteracts the amount of acid that is being generated.

Always call your doctor

Babies and young children can become dehydrated quickly because they are very small. It is essential that if you notice signs of dehydration you call your pediatrician, because it can quickly become something very serious.

When the symptoms get worse, there may be tachycardia, very high fever, low blood pressure, impaired consciousness (the baby no longer cries) and in extreme cases a fatal outcome.

In young children (older than 6 months), older children and even adults, the homemade oral saline solution is very useful, but in breastfed babies, the pediatrician should advise you how to treat dehydration.

You might be told to increase his milk intake or breastfeeding. In case of severe dehydration, the baby will probably need treatment in a hospital. Always, always, always consult your doctor as soon as you notice the first symptoms to avoid complications.

Translated by: Ligia M. Oliver Manrique de Lara

Spanish version: Here

A father who takes care of his baby does not “help”, he exercises his paternity

Posted on 23/08/2021 - 18:26 by Desarrollo WebAdictos

A father who takes care of his baby: who changes him, lulls him, feeds him, tells him a bedtime story, or kisses him on the forehead every day before going to sleep, that father is not “helping” mother, he is responsibly exercising the most wonderful role: fatherhood.

In Mexico we have a deeply rooted patriarchal culture and we still fall into the trap of believing that men “help” with housework. We keep hearing phrases like, “I help my wife with the children” over and over again. Even women themselves say, “My partner helps me bathe my baby”. Do you realize the mistake?

The importance of co-parenting

Grace González, parenting coach, psychologist, founder of the School for Parents and spokesperson for Nestlé, explains: “Shared parenting, as the name implies, is when both parents are responsible and in charge of caring for and raising their children”.

According to the expert, until very recently, the raising of children corresponded only to the mother. “Dad was in charge of working and supporting the family; mom stayed home to care for their children”.

“Now moms have also become a provider. They go out, work, run the house, look after the children, and dads are noticing all this work that their couples are doing by themselves, so they realize that they need to work as a team. So, more and more, men are becoming aware that they are not helping, they are there to exercise their paternity”.

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The figure of the father is as relevant as that of the mother

Raising is synonymous with instructing, directing and educating. It is directing and perfecting the moral and intellectual faculties of a child, it is teaching civility and courtesy. It is to be present, love, care, and take responsibility for the children. In parenting, the figure of the mother is as important as that of the father.

They are both figures of support and security.

According to the book The role of the father in the development of the child, children who feel that their physiological or affective needs are also covered by their father have more learning spaces, which translates into better cognitive development.

“They are children who are more confident, assertive, who manage their emotions better and have better social relationships.

Fathers promote in their children the ability to explore and take on challenges”, says Michael Lamb, professor of psychology of the social sciences, at the University of Cambridge, UK and author of the book.

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Dad also experiences changes

It has always been emphasized the fact that the brain of mothers undergoes changes with the arrival of babies thanks to the increase in oxytocin, known as the love hormone. However, changes happen in Dad too!

A study by the Gonda Brain Sciences Center, at Bar-llan University, revealed that when a man plays a primary role in caring for his children since they are newborns, he experiences the same neuronal change as a woman.

The level of oxytocin secreted by the father is as big as that of the mother, demonstrating that the father can establish an affective and emotional bond at the same level: “For children it is just as important that dad plays with them as it is that mom stays around them.

Forming bonds of attachment with your children, especially when they are young, will help your children grow up secure”, says Grace González.

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Mexico, still with very traditional beliefs

In our country the turn towards shared parenting is beginning to take place, but there is still a long way to go.

“Sadly in our country, because of its traditional beliefs, co-parenting is not something that is so strengthened. We are on a par with countries like Nigeria and Saudi Arabia. However, nowadays Mexican fathers are becoming more and more involved since their children are born: changing diapers, feeding the baby, waking up at dawn to take care of it”, adds the parenting expert.

And it is that the patriarchal culture in Mexico manifests itself in micromachisms, from the school teacher who only addresses the mother to discuss situations with the children, to the mother herself who does not allow the man to get involved:

“It is important that mothers also reflect on whether they are really giving the father the opportunity to accompany them during parenting. Maybe mother gives father directions all the time about what he has to do, or she allows him to do things and discover things at the same time as mom does”, adds González.

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The responsibilities of being a parent

Laura Evelia Torres Velázquez, professor at the National Autonomous University of Mexico and author of the article Responsibilities in raising children, indicates that the responsibilities of fathers and mothers are the same.

Develop: Consider that you are forming a new person.
Love: Parents must satisfy this need in their children and also teach them to love, not in terms of feeling, but as action, so that they are able to give and receive it.
Discipline: According to age and lack of it. It is NOT hitting, mistreating, and venting the anger and rage of the father. Discipline is not about destroying a person, but about forming it.
Give security: Living in an environment of tranquility and peace will allow kids to feel safe, with good self-esteem, and healthy relationships in the future.
Be present: These days the threat to mothers and fathers is to be distant because of work, but this is compensated by quality time.
Give identity: It is vital for emotional and behavioral survival of each person to know who one is, what his origin is, and his role in society. Parents also help with this.

As you can see, the work is hard, but both of you can achieve your goal as parents, which is to guide your children.

“When you have a cake divided in two, it will be less what you have to eat. That is, if we have parenting tasks worked by both mom and dad, parenting will be much easier and it will not be leaning on only one person. You have to talk together as parents and make decisions.

Choose, for example, the school they will attend, what they can or cannot eat, allow them or not to go out.

There are some unimportant decisions, such as letting kids watch TV for 10 more minutes, that parents can make without consulting the other, but for important things, those that impact life, they must stop and discuss them between both parents”, explains González.

Translated by: Ligia M. Oliver Manrique de Lara

Spanish version: Here

Other theme: Children are inclusive by nature

Energetic ties between parents and children: the invisible family legacy

Posted on 19/08/2021 - 11:38 by Desarrollo WebAdictos

“Parents are connected to their children through invisible energy ties”.

“As if they were blood donors, parents make a constant ‘transfusion’ of spiritual energy. This interaction never ceases, it does not depend on time or space, it does not disappear after the physical death of parents or children”, says Russian writer Konstantin V. Zorin, author of the book The Sins of Parents and Children’s Diseases.

There is a theory that states that each generation inherits from the previous ones – especially from parents or close relatives – the characteristics of their way of thinking, feeling, will, as well as physical features and unresolved problems.

The invisible ties of energy

They are called energy ties and they come from the belief that our souls “constellate” in a certain energy nucleus.

“We must remember that everything and everyone is energy and we are connected. However, among family members, these energy ties are even stronger. When we come to earth, we choose our parents and our ancestors to learn certain lessons that we have to live in this incarnation”, comments Sandra Elisa Roch, better known as Panterita, health coach and transgenerational therapist.

According to the transgenerational theory, the first physical, emotional and spiritual bond that we have is the umbilical cord. Through it, we are transmitted the ancestral heritage, the gifts and conflicts of our biological parents, and the culture to which our clan belongs.

We recommend: The genealogical tree a tool to know our roots

Energy ties transmit conflicts and virtues

K-V Zorin states: “This phenomenon explains why parents transmit to their children their lack of grace, as well as their vices and pernicious tendencies, from which they have not been able to escape until that moment”.

“In the same way, they inherit their virtues, talents and the potential of divine energies. It should be emphasized that the influence of the father is equal to that of the mother. There are no differences. Furthermore, the interaction never ends, even if it changes its intensity”.

The transgenerational theory ensures that there are places, experiences, situations and even types of people, which we have faced, which were also challenges in the lives of our ancestors. Photo: Pixabay

Have you ever wondered why you repeat some of your parents’ patterns?

From our individuality we build other ties with friends, peers, partners, places and experiences that leave their mark on us, but some situations are very similar to what our ancestors once lived.

The friend who disappointed us, the relationship that was a disaster, the partner who betrayed you, the mistake that is made over and over again within the family. All of those, says this theory, are karmic ties, a connection that you have acquired (or your ancestors acquired) in a past life, something like a “debt” or learning that you have pending.

“I don’t know if you believe in past lives, but many times these ties are repeated among living beings, having different relationships. Sometimes your mother was your sister or your daughter and so on with the different roles of the family”, says the health coach.

Don’t miss: A harmonious relationship has positive impact on children

How to get rid of energy ties that you do not want?

According to Panterita Roch, there are therapeutic methods that impact on all levels: physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. The main thing is the recognition of the existence of an energetic bond that you can embrace as a gift, or you can close, and conclude the cycle.

1. Identify and accept that this bond is not yours

“These patterns are repeated from generation to generation. What you have to do is to become aware that this energetic load, this bond, is not yours, it belongs to your family and to generations ago”.

2. Research in your family

“Find out which members of your family have experienced the same event as you did. It is very likely that you will not be the first, nor the last, but it depends on you that that chain breaks”.

3. Break with patterns

“There are people in charge of working with transgenerational trees. They do some research of everything that has happened and, through acts of psychomagic, they help the person break these patterns so that they no longer happen to you, or to future generations”.

If you notice that you are in a pattern, whether you are imitating your parents, grandparents or great-grandparents, or repeating the destiny of a family member, inquire further, find out how to close that cycle or accept the virtues that you have inherited.

“Transgenerational energy not only marks negative patterns, but also very positive patterns such as abundance or gifts that could be inherited to you. It is up to you to accept them with love, thank them, and use them for your highest good and that of others. For example, when I studied my transgenerational tree, I realized that my great-grandfather was a shaman and with much love, gratitude and humility, I accepted the gifts that were given to me in order to continue the work that he started”.

“Energy and energy bonds are very important and can generate positive and negative ties in your life. It is up to you to break those patterns or accept the gifts to create the life you want”, concludes Panterita Roch.

Translated by: Ligia M. Oliver Manrique de Lara

Spanish version

Other themes:

How to Get Through Family Grief

Discover the world of your children through the mosaic method

Men can also become depressed after the birth of a baby

Share or not images of your children on social networks

The genealogical tree: a tool to know our roots

Posted on 10/08/2021 - 13:15 by Ligia Oliver

We, human beings, have a natural need to know about our origins. Researching about our family, who they are and what they are like, is something that we can discover through a family tree. Thanks to this drawing, the genealogical tree: a tool to know our roots, not only do our children get closer to the history of their grandparents, uncles and cousins, but also find relatives who did not even have a clue that they existed.

This educational chart can help your little ones discover that they have blood ties in one or more states in Mexico, or even in other parts of the world. It also gives them clarity about the professions and activities that their ancestors carried out. It will make you proud and together you will delve into family history.

Take advantage of your children’s curiosity to start a new adventure through genealogy, a little-known discipline, yet it involves “thinking, reflecting and asking yourself more about your family and your ancestors”, said genealogist Mireia Nieto from Tataranietos.com

Did you know that genealogists help us know our family and biological origins, as well as to clear up doubts and family mysteries?

The tree is a useful tool for children as it helps them better understand who their relatives are, but it also gives them confidence and boosts their personal growth. Photo: Pixabay — The tree is presented chronologically, always in pairs; either starting from the child, or from the oldest branch of the family. Photo: Pixabay

Connect with our ancestors

A family tree is a resource that we can use if we want our children, like us, to connect with their ancestors. Not only is it an ideal way for them to meet relatives who have already passed, but also it gives them the opportunity to strengthen their self-esteem, gain confidence and nurture knowledge through some family stories and anecdotes.

When talking about a distant aunt, your child can recognize that there are affinities and certain likes or hobbies for music or movies. “When we analyze the bond that joins us to our ancestors and what is the genetic and emotional legacy that people leave us, we evolve and grow”, says the expert.

Mireia Nieto emphasizes that genealogy is for everyone, and clarifies that this discipline does not only try to search or find out about our ancestors who have already died, but to trace the living family, “Connect the old genealogy with the new family models that exist today. It helps our personal growth and allows us to learn from the past so as not to make the same mistakes in the present and in the future”.

You may be interested: Energetic ties between parents and children: the invisible family legacy

“The past cannot be changed, but if you study it and understand it, you change”.

Mireia Nieto, genealogist

More benefits of starting a family tree

“A family tree is a graphic representation that summarizes the family and genetic relationships of a group of people,” says Mireia Nieto, who notes that, “For centuries the metaphor of the tree has been used as a symbol of life that says that the visible parts, like the trunk, the branches, the leaves, are due to the invisible: the roots”.

According to Mireia Nieto, some other benefits of working on a family tree, are:

Knowing better the biography of a relative. This will help you, as an adult, better understand why they are the way they are. This makes it possible to close mourning and resolve pending family conflicts.

Explaining your identity. Investigating and analyzing a genealogical tree explains your identity and helps you answer to whom you owe your physical traits, beliefs, customs or some health problems.

Discovering your origins helps you be more connected with life and be more grateful.

It is a useful tool for children as it helps them better understand who their relatives are, but it also gives them confidence and boosts their personal growth. Photo: Pixabay

You may be interested in: A life project, a key to couple and family life

How to make a family tree

If you want to make your family tree, you will first have to gather information and do the research with your family members. You and your child can search letters, documents, files, records, libraries, newspaper archives, and so on.

What follows is to make a diagram where we graphically represent the relationships between family members. It is usually made in the shape of a tree that symbolizes life and roots, which are our origins.

There are family trees that display the photos of our relatives and others to which only the names of the people and the relationship are put. On the internet there are templates in which you can support yourself to do it.

Currently there are software and online platforms where you can enter the information you find about your family and venture into the world of genealogy.

Explicación para niños

Si a tu peque aún le quedan dudas sobre la función de un árbol genealógico, te dejamos algunos videos ilustrativos. Le quedará muy claro.

Translated by: Ligia M. Oliver

Spanish version

The importance of the father in the lives of children

Posted on 17/06/2021 - 13:00 by José Ángel Araujo

The mother is commonly referred as the most important person in a child’s development; the kid´s well-being or suffering depends on her, and she must be the one in charge of raising and supporting him.

This idea is not entirely wrong, however, it is not possible for a single woman to conceive a child: the father intervenes to make this possible and he plays a fundamental role not only biologically but also emotionally, psychologically and socially.

There are many types of parents.

In psychoanalysis, when we speak of the father we do not refer to a man, but to a role. Thanks to this function, the child can appropriate his existence, be named, feel recognized, belong to a lineage and insert himself into society respecting the rules of humans.

Also, this function allows the mother to feel supported, accompanied and cared and, then, she can connect more easily with her baby and understand it.

We recommend: Like father, like son?

A present father teams up with the mother so that they both are in charge of a new life, sharing time and responsibilities, mitigating the heavy moments that are present in the upbringing of any child.

Thanks to the father, the baby can learn other ways of being cared, other ways of bonding, playing and knowing the world.

The father is fundamental because he is in charge of making a “gap” between the mother and the child, what does this mean? The father helps the baby be interested in the world beyond the mother; he helps ensure that there is no overprotection, excess of anxiety, so that he does not get stuck with the mother.

So, thanks to this role, the child can feel relaxed knowing that there is someone who sets a limit. This is how father and mother are fundamental.

We recommend: 7 tips to involve dad in raising the baby.

However, we still find prejudices, imposed roles or deficiencies that are transmitted from generation to generation and that make us think that the presence of the father is secondary.

It is still common to think that the child is an object that only belongs to the mother. It is not uncommon to think that if a man is not a “good” husband, he will not be a “good” father either. Many mothers think that it is best for children to be away from their fathers. It is common to hear phrases like, “My child’s got me, having his mother is enough for him”…

Some cases

It is true that there are cases in which fathers mistreat and abuse their children; therefore, it is necessary to keep minors away. Also, there are cases in which the father vanishes, and despite the insistence of the mother, he does not want to be present.

However, removing these cases, it is difficult to find reasons why a child should grow up without any contact with his father.

Regardless of the conflicts that may exist in the couple, the father-child relationship is apart and it is very important to support it.

The mother is fundamental in this dynamic, since she is the one who allows or does not allow her child and his father to get closer.

We recommend: Assuming paternity is for men.

Thanks to the role played by the father, children can feel calm and eager to grow up with all what this implies: learn, be interested in relating to people beyond the family, investigate, adapt to a society, and build internal limits.

*Claudia Rodríguez Acosta has a degree in Psychology from the Universidad Iberoamericana and a Master’s degree in General Psychotherapy from the Mexican Psychoanalytic Association. She is a teacher in middle and high school, and practices psychoanalytic psychotherapy in privately in Mexico City, as well as by Skype for patients who live abroad.

Translated by: Ligia M. Oliver Manrique de Lara

Spanish version

Like father, like son?

Posted on 17/06/2021 - 09:00 by Ligia Oliver

Every father is proud that his son looks like him.

In Mexican culture the proverb“Hijo de tigre, pintito” (Like father, like son) alludes to the physical resemblance and attitudes that the son inherits from his father.

Sometimes proverbs are culturally highly positioned ideas.

And in a macho society, like the Mexican one, “believing that the son has to be like the father could be very frustrating and harmful for both, to the father and the son”, says psychologist Alma Aguilar Segura, from Grupo Kintsugi: Psicología Clínica.

The M.D. family therapist says that raising expectations about what the child will look like is normal and humane.

Dads can make plans and create possible paths to follow. If it is so important for a father that his son resembles him, “let it be in good and positive things such as values and good education”.

We recommend: It’s time to overcome traditional masculinity

“New paternities have made men be a guide and companion of their children; and not to look for their sons to be an extension of themselves”.

Alma Aguilar Segura, family psychotherapist

Respect your son individuality

When dads think about their sons, they often have an elaborate plan for the future of those little boys.

For example: study a career, get married and have children, practice some sport, even “support their favorite team”.

What if…

But if the son is born with some disability, if he studies Pedagogy instead of Architecture as his grandfather, or if he is homosexual, there are dads who prefer to renounce paternity because “for them, it’s hard to realize that their son is not going to be or do what they expected”, explains the psychologist.

There are very traditional families where stereotypes and macho culture prevail.

In this kind of homes, it is probably that the father will suffer “a strong emotional shock” when he realizes that his son doesn’t fulfill his personal expectations.

According to the United Nations International Children’s Emergency Fund (UNICEF), in the publication Growing in Equality, “gender stereotypes are beliefs that exist in all societies”.

“They are generalized views and perceptions about attributes or characteristics that men and women, boys and girls possess or should possess, which are based on social and cultural norms and not on biological factors”.

Towards a new parenthood

“New masculinities and paternities should give the opportunity to build bonds beyond the characteristics of their children”, emphasizes Aguilar Segura, PhD candidate in family and couple therapy, by the Universidad Nacional Autónoma de México (UNAM).

A boy who feels rejection form his father may have many emotional holes, such as insecurity or fear of rejection.

And in adolescence he’ll be looking for acceptance, or could repeat those patterns of behavior because he didn’t learn how to create healthy bonds and relationships.

If you have problems accepting your son’s characteristics, whatever they are, the specialist offers some tips to achieve a healthy coexistence and build a bond of love, respect and acceptance.

A bond of love:

The first step is to accept and understand that no one in life comes to fulfill our expectations just because we want to. No one is obliged to fill anyone’s expectations.

Another important aspect is to respect your son’s individuality. Regardless of his age, he is an individual and, as a parent, you have to respect that individuality. If the child is young, “the role of a father is to be his guide and to give him the freedom to learn to relate respectfully to his environment”.

Parents should consider to have personal projects and not make their sons their only life project. Although this gesture could be interpreted as love, it could also cause more demand for children and less flexibility from parents

It is essential that each member of the family be free and autonomous, that each one could be accompanied and respected. And that’s going to help to create more enjoyable bonds to everyone.

“Children have no obligation to fulfill their dads’ expectations. That should not determine the parent-son relationship”.

Alma Aguilar Segura, psychologist

Translated by: Ligia M. Oliver Manrique de Lara

Spanish version: Here

We recommend: Assuming paternity is for men.

A life project, a key to couple and family life

Posted on 15/06/2021 - 09:30 by Ligia Oliver

In life, going where you want is something you can achieve if you have a plan and a structure about the way you are going to do it. This is interpreted as the elaboration of a life project.

Building a life project implies having deep personal knowledge and mental preparation: knowing who you are, what your values and principles are, which ones are negotiable and which ones are not in order to be very clear about the sense and meaning of life, explains the teacher in family and couples therapy Cristy Cortinas Trujillo, founder of Being Infinite Psychology and Professional Development.

Before planning, “First you should ask yourself what you would like to do with your life,” says the specialist, because the more a person knows himself, the more consistent he will be with himself and will be able to make better decisions.

“The key point to carry out a life project is self-knowledge. Many times we accept what is coming to us. There will be circumstances in which we cannot choose, but in others we will be able to do it”, emphasizes the expert in Gestalt therapy.

Family and couple life plan

After planning a personal project, you can continue to develop a couple’s plan to know the direction that the relationship will take: where you will go together as partners and how you will achieve those goals.

For the psychologist and thanatologist, first comes “my project”; then, “your project”; and, finally, “our project”. She adds that a plan as a couple must have a certain compatibility and the wishes of both must always be respected, “We don’t have to want the same thing, but we do have to go to the same place”.

Developing a project as a couple is complex. It includes a large number of aspects: children, family, education, work, etc. If each partner does not have his/her own life project, it will be very difficult for them to establish the points of a couple plan, so it is important to have one beforehand, the expert points out.

Benefits of a life project

According to the publication “It’s not you, it’s our finances”, from the Federal Consumer Protection Office, when life as a couple begins, in addition to involving the sentimental part, the economic aspect must also be considered.

There are destructive events that happen because the couple does not plan financially. However, “teamwork and planning are the key to achieving financial balance as a couple”, says the publication.

In addition to the importance of the economic part, a life project also makes people more resilient and be able to reintegrate more easily in adverse circumstances. “If they have to go through a crisis yet have worked on what they want, they will be able to overcome it and bring out their strengths”, emphasizes the expert Cortinas Trujillo.

We recommend: You can get healthy family finances

“A life project allows you to know what you want and why; it is a daily motivation to carry out your plans”.

Cristy Cortinas, teacher in family and couples therapy

Aspects to consider

Before preparing your plan or project, you should think about what gives meaning to your individual life and your life as part of a couple. The expert proposes:

Analyze your context. Ask yourself: where are you (individually and as a couple) at this moment in life and where do you (each of you) want to go? Try to be realistic so those plans can be fulfilled.

Know yourself. Identify your personal identity and the relationship identity. How is the couple and the relationship? What do you both like?

Recognize your own and your partner’s skills. For example, you can highlight staying positive when facing difficulty or doing good teamwork.

Have an action plan. This implies knowing what you want (or both want) and how you (or both) are going to achieve it. Also, it is important to know when you want it and what you need to start.

Don’t lose your essence. Before any life plan, you should not lose your identity. Before being in a relationship and having a project, it is very important that each person’s individuality is never lost.

Having clarity in our life project will make us work for what we want, either personally or as a couple. It will also help children find meaning and significance in life.

“A life project is a path you decide to take; it is our compass or our map”.

Cristy Cortinas Trujillo, teacher in family and couples therapy

Translated by: Ligia M. Oliver Manrique de Lara

Spanish version

We recommend: 10 habits that help couples to have healthy and lasting relationships.

Let’s learn to recognize the emotional wounds of childhood

Posted on 21/05/2021 - 13:30 by Ligia Oliver

“During childhood, we experience events that can cause pain, sadness, anger or fear. If we aren’t able to resolve them at the time, these feelings can remain lodged in our body and mind, for many years, and generate an emotional wound”, explains Brenda Esparza, teacher in family therapy at the Municipal Institute of the Family (IMF), of Durango.

For the psychotherapist, in childhood we are exposed to physical injuries when we fall down and scrape our knees. But also to emotional wounds, “which sometimes do not heal in a lifetime and can leave deep pain in the child and later in the adult”.

Emotional wounds need time for healing

Like a physical wound, an emotional wound needs time for healing, because if it is not cared properly, in the long run it will continue to cause pain, explained the expert in the discussion “The Wounds of childhood”, organized by the System of Comprehensive Protection of Girls, Boys and Adolescents Durango.

Emotional wounds begin in childhood and are often caused by primary caregivers like Mom and Dad. This means that the experiences we live during these stages of our life will mark our way of feeling, thinking and acting

We recommend: Phrases that destroy children’s self-esteem

According to the survey on “Violence in Early Childhood”, carried out by the Guardians organization, half of the parents had emotional wounds generated in their childhood, and there are still those who have not been able to resolve them.

The five wounds of childhood

If you do not want your children to suffer or live with pain, it is very important that you recognize the emotional wounds you have grown up with, but, above all, that you try to carry out a therapeutic process to heal them.

Once you have identified those prints that marked you, you will need to resolve them so as not to hurt your children.

“We adults have the obligation to heal these wounds, since the mental health of the children will depend on us and our upbringing”, says family therapy teacher Nora Esparza.

Below, we briefly describe these five childhood wounds and explain how they may be harming you and your children, as discussed in the aforementioned discussion.

Abandonment. Physical or emotional abandonment in children can generate anguish. If they grow up with this injury, when they become moms or dads, they will not be able to take care of themselves, they will be dependent and toxic, and use their children to fill their own emotional voids.

Rejection. This wound begins in pregnancy and in the first years of life. When the pregnant woman experiences emotional and economic deficiencies, the baby feels them. Parents who experienced rejection find it difficult to show affection to their family. The child will have many emotional deficiencies because he does not feel important a nd taken into account.

Humiliation.This wound is closely related to feeling shame for our own family. In childhood, the adult felt himself an unworthy person, and they may have been abused. They are indulgent fathers and mothers, who do not set limits and often carry the problems and responsibilities of their sons and daughters. To hide their wound of humiliation, parents are going to protect their children.

Treason. When a child perceives a father or mother anxious and incapable of giving him peace, his uncertainty and anguish grow. As an adult, they will wear invisible masks to protect themselves. They are authoritarian and controlling parents, so they must work on being more flexible and respecting their children in the way they do things.

Injustice. These adults had in their childhood a rigid upbringing and polarized positions: the good and the bad, the right and the wrong. As parents, they are severe and demanding. They want their children to have adult attitudes. They also have a hard time being warm and empathetic; and they condition their love to their children.

“Time does not heal wounds. Therefore, it is important to solve them in the present. Otherwise, there will be injured children in adult bodies”.

Brenda Esparza, psychotherapist

Translated by: Ligia M. Oliver Manrique de Lara

Spanish version

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