Positive Parenting – Baby Creysi

Parenting style: how does it influence the development and behavior of children?

Posted on 26/01/2022 - 16:35 by Desarrollo WebAdictos

By: Psychologist Ileana Torres Ruiz* / Guardianes

Being a mom or dad is not easy. Bringing up girls and boys, taking responsibility for them, even for a few hours, can be one of the most fun and tender experiences and challenging for an adult, whether you are a mother, father, caregiver, or teacher.

In general, we don’t ask ourselves how to deal with our kids; we simply resort to the strategies that other adults applied to us to get us to brush our teeth, stop jumping on benches, wake up on time, and eat broccoli, or do math homework.

Without a doubt, everyone has his particular style to solve the challenges that the education of our children presents us with; however, when we ask ourselves, what the best way to educate them will be, this is when the topic becomes interesting.

When we ask ourselves, “How does the way I teach him what he finds most difficult to understand in class influence his self-esteem? Will it be positive or negative for his development to allow him to do everything he wants? Focusing on my cell phone when we are at home will affect our communication?”

Regardless of the role we play for children, each of us frequently resorts to certain parenting styles; this generates a family climate and affects their emotional, intellectual, and social development.

Parenting styles are defined as adults’ general attitudes or beliefs about a proper upbringing for girls and boys.

We learn these parenting styles in our families of origin, so we commonly repeat with boys and girls what we experienced as children or, just from reflecting on our childhood and the experiences that we consider painful, we choose to apply different styles of upbringing, to avoid going through the same situations as us.

Developmental psychologists have been interested in studying these processes; Diana Baumrind (1991) is one of the first to catalog these styles, which she called: Authoritarian, Permissive and Assertive Styles. Later other authors included the Indifferent style and used it as a synonym for Assertive, Cooperative, or Democratic style.

Authoritarian parenting style

In general, in this style of upbringing, adults value the obedience of girls and boys; demanding treatment and rigid rules predominate. Mothers, fathers, and teachers tend to seek control; they focus on negative behaviors and failures and not on their daughters and sons’ positive behaviors and achievements.

When parenting practices with this style predominate, girls and boys grow up insecure and anxious, doubt their ability and their self-esteem is not so positive because they get used to focusing on their failures.

Permissive style

This style is characterized by limited, confusing, changing, and ambiguous rules. In the classroom or at home, girls and boys do what they please and are in control, adults do not have clear ideas of what they expect from these girls and boys, avoiding confronting their conflictive behaviors, but they enjoy rewarding and pampering them.

On the contrary, parenting practices with this style are highlighted. It is commonly found that children do not know how to regulate their impulses their emotions, and it is difficult for them to complete tasks or activities.

Indifferent parenting style

Here we find that a cold, distant attitude prevails with the boys and girls, communication is scarce, adults forget the needs of the little ones, and among their priorities, the upbringing of girls and boys is left out, so they try to solve their needs on their own with the resources they have. Still, they are often unable because they require support and guidance.

When an indifferent parenting style prevails, the development of girls and boys is stuck or hindered in general; they need adults who are there to guide them, the indifference on the part of adults who are significant to children favors a poor self-concept and low self-esteem; to feel and know that they are loved, valued, every girl and boy needs attention, listening and company.

Democratic or cooperative style

The axis that guides this parenting style is the will to educate girls and boys to become autonomous, combining affectionate treatment, good communication, and clear, well-defined rules and limits. Adults attend to the needs of girls and boys. Still, they teach them to fend for themselves, think about the consequences of their actions, accompany and support them in their development challenges, and offer them options considering their abilities and needs.

Undoubtedly, this style promotes the integral development of girls and boys, who know rules and order, feel loved and supported to grow with independence and positive self-esteem.

In everyday life, no adult uses a pure parenting style, that is, only cooperative, authoritarian, permissive, or indifferent, and much less educates all girls and boys with the same style.

This is because all parenting styles provide valuable tools. Can you imagine parents whose children are about to become independent from home? They will undoubtedly resort to an indifferent parenting style, or a teacher in charge of a group that needs firm rules will surely resort to a different parenting style, authoritarian.

Thus, the important thing is to begin identifying the positive tools that each style entails, taking the best of each one, and thinking about favoring the autonomy, development, and happiness of girls and boys.

Sometimes being authoritarian is necessary when they are in danger of accident or illness; at other times, acting with a permissive style is valid when enjoying a celebration, being exhausted, or very sick. A small dose of nonchalance when he has a tantrum or needs to learn to figure something out on his own will make him more independent. Each situation calls for a different reaction. Faced with this adventure of accompanying girls and boys in their development, it is worth taking a short break, giving ourselves a relaxing break, and asking ourselves,

“What parenting style do I use the most with girls, boys, and under what circumstances? How can I transmit my affection to them and promote their growth with the style I have used so far? In each style, what would I like to apply from now on?”

Guide us by expressing affection and support, responding to their needs, and exercising their regulation and discipline through limits and expectations to promote the growth of our girls and boys.

Ileana Torres Ruiz is a teacher in Child Psychotherapy and a university professor. Lecturer on issues of prevention of mistreatment and child sexual abuse in Guardianes.

Guardianes is an Affectivity and Sexuality AC program dedicated to seeking the best interests of children and adolescents, aligned with the Sustainable Development Goals of the 2030 Agenda. Our organization has, since 2017, with the Special Consultative Status granted by the Economic and Social Council of the United Nations. Throughout its 19-year history, it has collaborated with civil society organizations to defend the rights of children and adolescents, focusing its efforts on the prevention of mistreatment and child sexual abuse. www.guardianes.org.mx

Translated by: Ligia M. Oliver Manrique de Lara

Spanish version: Here

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Pets: a gift or responsibility?

Posted on 10/12/2021 - 17:46 by Astrid Rivera Reynoso

The Christmas holidays are just around the corner, and we are in search of gifts. We often think that a pet is a good gift for children; however, its arrival should be discussed as a family, and the question is: Pets: gift or responsibility?

“Whether dogs, cats, or any other animal, pets are an excellent company, especially for children. However, it must be clear that they are not objects that can be given away; they are a great responsibility”, said Dr. Fausto Reyes Delgado, Director of Institutional Development, Communication, and Education of the UNAM-Banfield Veterinary Hospital.

“We must be aware that pets are intelligent beings; they are not things or gifts; that is the first thing we must learn with children”.

Basic questions before having a pet

He stressed that the first step to responsible pet ownership is asking all family members five basic questions:

What do I want the pet for?
Where are we going to have it?
How much space will it take?
How much do you plan to spend?
Who will it live with?

Dr. Reyes Delgado highlighted the importance of having the advice of a veterinarian to determine the type of animal or breed that is the most suitable for the family, according to their habits and routines.

“First, you have to plan if you want or have a companion animal, and before acquiring it, receive advice from the veterinarian. Unfortunately, we see as veterinarians that the pets arrive first and then go to the veterinarian; we see that the breed of dog is the least indicated for that nucleus”.

Adopt: the best option

He emphasized that although adoption is always the best option, it is essential to analyze whether we have the conditions to give the little animal a good life and evaluate what type of specimen is suitable for the family seeking to adopt.

“It is tough for us to understand that not all of us can have a pet in our homes; that is the first point regarding education. Many people have pets, dogs, cats, and other types of animals without even really knowing if they have the possibility of having it”.

Responsible pet ownership is an excellent example for children that teaches them to care for and respect animals, as it makes them understand that they are living beings that feel that they need love and care.

“If pets are given the right space, the right food for their stage, they are provided with a roof, medical service; all of this comes together to have an example of the proper way to have pets, if that is what the child is seeing, the education they are going to have is incredible”.

Translated by: Ligia M. Oliver Manrique de Lara

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Anahí: The invisible work of mothers

Posted on 07/11/2021 - 08:30 by Desarrollo WebAdictos

A few months ago, I read a study that caught my attention. It’s called T he Invisible Housework: Mothers as Captains of Homes, by psychologist Lucia Ciciolla, an academic at Oklahoma State University.

I confess that she shocked me. Through a detailed analysis, she explains how everything we women do at home affects the physical, emotional and psychological health, and it seems that “no one notices“.

I know that each of us has different circumstances, but in this research, the expert examines how the distribution of work in the couple is related to the well-being of women and, therefore, of the whole family.

90% of those surveyed women considered that they had full responsibility for organizing the family's schedules, 70% said they were "the captain" of the ship and 78% assured that they were the ones who knew and had contact with the teachers of the kids.

What the expert says is that the enormous mental burden of organizing a family and household chores, promoting the well-being of children and even making financial decisions generates feelings of anguish and emptiness in women. In the long run, this deteriorates health and generates dissatisfaction with the partners.

That unseen work

In some cases, when we announce that we are going to be mothers, people dedicate all their support and attention to us, but when our baby is born, it seems that we have disappeared and that we do not need help.

The fact is that the invisible work of mothers is taken for granted. It is an endless list of pending issues that seems to be magically resolved. It doesn’t matter if you have someone to help you at home. You as a mom are the leader, the one who asks for medical appointments, the one who is aware of the children’s activities, the one who organizes and knows what is needed in the fridge.

I certainly think that, like you, I am also a multitasker. And how not to be one? I truly believe that part of a mom’s job is to remember every detail, every appointment, date, or task. It is taking care of the home and raising the children, but I can also feel a great responsibility for the general well-being and the emotional states that my children present.

It is simply an exhausting job, rarely seen and validated.

Dad gets more and more involved, but it’s still not enough

The good news is that both men and women are beginning to recognize that the management of the home continues to fall on the female side. It may not seem much, but think about it: until a few years ago nobody stopped to think about the mother, always devoted, without making any complaint.

Today we know that if we want children to be well, we need to attend the well-being of mothers, our well-being.

The investigation that I am telling you about links this type of mental load to high levels of anguish in mothers. There is no doubt that this constant juggling and multitasking takes its toll on us.

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Balance is the key

It is vitally important to get organized for allowing fathers, besides being providers, to get involved in everything else in the home. We must talk about dividing the tasks in a coherent way, consciously, that is, making them responsible for some particular tasks.

That way the emotional burden and stress we suffer as moms will be more bearable. If we are calm and let our partner participate in daily activities, letting him do it his way, without controlling or wanting him to do it our way, we will surely have a better relationship with him and with our children. It is important to feel supported in order to have the emotional resources to face the great task of being a mother.

You are a priority too

We are taught that the first thing in our lives should be our children, then our partner and at the end of a long list of “priorities” we remember that we also need time for ourselves.

We have to learn that before being mothers, wives and daughters, we are women. It is normal that among so many obligations that come along motherhood, we forget about ourselves, but motherhood cannot be a sentence. It is essential that every day you dedicate a space to do those activities that brought you joy, physical and emotional well-being before becoming a mother.

Every day I give myself that “mom time” because it makes me feel good and be a better mother. I give myself a space to exercise and pamper myself doing the things that I have always enjoyed. Are you capable of giving yourself an hour a day just for you? Try it, you will regain your individuality and feel happier.

I am Anahí and I am looking forward to meeting you in my next article in Baby Creysi.

Find a wide variety of clothes for your little one in our online store on Amazon.

Translated by: Ligia M. Oliver Manrique de Lara

Spanish version: Here

Other themes: 10 books to turn your girls into powerful women Phrases that destroy children’s self-esteem Benefits for your children of having a pet

How to nurture self-esteem in your children

Posted on 21/10/2021 - 09:01 by Ligia Oliver

Today is a special day. This is my first collaboration with Baby Creysi as a Mommy blogger. I share these lines with you with much love and with the sole objective of being closer and that together we explore this wonderful stage of our lives: being moms.

We have grown up together and I hope you will accompany me in this adventure. The content will evolve. We will discover moments and joys, but we will also share tips that will help us in raising our babies. Because finally that is our goal, guide them through the world, help them become good and strong people.

The first topic I want to explore with you is self-esteem in children. I am convinced that a mother who radiates self-love and self-acceptance instills the same in her children. We must love ourselves as much as we love them.

Start with self-esteem, your own self-confidence

These days the term “self-esteem” has been used a lot and it seems very easy, but it is difficult to carry it out. Building our own self-esteem goes from sleeping well, exercising, laughing, eating well, going out with friends or with our partner, or simply having some time alone.

Remember that we are the mirror of our children and we reflect everything they learn and all what they build day by day, such as their personality and self-esteem.

If a child continually hears his mother say words of disapproval towards herself, he will keep that attitude in his unconscious and reproduce it later. Undoubtfully, feeding our self-esteem and loving ourselves more help us become better mothers.

Think about it, the first contact babies have is with their mom. We are the ones who translate their needs, satisfy them and become the representatives of the world that they are getting to know little by little. Do you realize the importance of this first bond with us?

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Let them experiment

I like to teach my children to do new things. It is good that they try it for themselves because it gives them a sense of security. At first we have to help them, but then we should let them try little by little. That’s what I do.

I always tell them that I am confident they are going to achieve it and I let them do what they can, even if they make mistakes. They should experience the opportunity to learn, but above all to try and take pride in their achievements.

Don’t label them

It is very important not to use labels. When you tell them off, focus on the inappropriate behavior and not on the child himself. By putting labels like “you’re rude” or “short-tempered,” your kids can associate the mistake with their own personality. Instead, use phrases that separate the mistake from himself. For example: “I know you can stop the tantrum”.

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It’s better to highlight their achievements than to point out their mistakes

In our society we have been taught to educate our children by pointing out and correcting their mistakes, when the most important thing is to highlight their small and big achievements. They must be praised, without falling into excess.

I recommend that at bedtime, give your children five minutes to highlight their achievements no matter how small they were. Say something like, “I have realized that today you managed to stop your tantrum, I am sure that tomorrow it will be like that again” or “I really like it when you help with the housework”. Sending our children to sleep with these messages helps us a lot strengthen their self-esteem.

10 ways to help your daughter or son build self-esteem

I want to share other very useful tips that have helped me. It is in our hands to make a difference:

Your children are unique, never compare them.
Accept their feelings and teach them how to deal with their emotions.
Listen to them. Give them the confidence to talk to you about whatever they want.
Focus on their strengths and don’t try to make them perfect. Watch their progress, see what they do well and enjoy.
Tell them clearly and specifically what you expect from them or what you want them to do.
Celebrate their efforts and create opportunities for them to do well according to their age, tastes, and abilities. This is a key point because by ensuring that they have a chance to develop their strengths, they will feel good about themselves and improve their behavior.
Don’t take control. Resist the urge to do everything to them.
Consider mistakes as opportunities, do not focus on the failure but on the search for solutions.
Keep a sense of humor, help your children not take things seriously.
Encourage them to treat others with kindness.

Finally, I think the most important thing is that you remember that they learn by example. You will see that one day in the future you will turn to see your grown children and think with pride, “we did very well”.

I am Anahí and I am looking forward to meeting you in my next article in Baby Creysi.

Find a wide variety of clothes for your little one in our online store on Amazon.

Translated by: Ligia M. Oliver Manrique de Lara

Spanish version

Other Themes: Phrases that destroy children’s self-esteem Benefits for your children of having a pet 10 books to turn your girls into powerful women

5 positive strategies to manage children’s anger

Posted on 18/10/2021 - 18:45 by Ligia Oliver

We all have felt anger or rage, it is a totally normal and healthy human emotion. Since we are born, we can feel it and over time we learn how to moderate and canalize it. As parents, it is good to use positive parenting strategies so that our little ones know how to manage anger.

Why do children get angry?

According to the American Academy of Psychology, there are many things that can make children get angry:

0 to 18 months of age, they get angry because of hunger, noise, tiredness or overstimulation.
18 to 36 months of age because they want that you give them what they want immediately, they get frustrated when they can’t do what they want, or others don’t understand them.
3 to 5 years old, they get angry because they are learning to share things, it is not easy for them to understand that others think differently, they do not know how to control their emotions.
6 to 9 years old, they get angry because they feel rejected, criticized, discriminated and misunderstood.

Positive Strategies for Managing Children’s Anger

According to Luz María Peniche, psychoanalyst and author of the book, A Guide to Raising Healthy and Safe Children, no emotion is negative or positive by itself. All of them have one goal, “they function as red flags for others and for ourselves; they are caused by our concerns”.

How can we help our children express and manage their emotions, especially anger?

1. Accept your child’s emotion

Peniche indicates that the only way for children to be on the way to an adequate management of emotions is that we accept and validate them. In other words, we should explain that it is a normal reaction, that he has the right to feel it, but that he must learn to control himself. She uses phrases like:

“I understand that you are angry”.

“Come, I will hug you, let’s take a deep breath; that will help you calm down”.

Tell him about a moment when you got angry, in this way you also validate his affections.

2. Help him express and name it

The next step is to make them feel safe to express themselves and know how to name what they feel: anger, sadness, happiness.

If the child is in the middle of an outburst, remind him of the house rules, but help him turn the anger into words. For example: Use your words to tell me what you feel. What caused that anger? Don’t push your kid, he may need some time before talking. Let him calm down.

3. Let the kid detect the source of his anger

The mere fact of analyzing the cause of anger lowers its intensity. In addition, you reinforce the validation of the feeling. When someone listens to you, you are better able to process the emotion.

“When we identify the source of the anger and frustration and fix the resentment and offense, we help children deal with the emotion”. If it is difficult for him, but you infer what caused his anger, ask him, so that he can identify the cause:

“You got angry because your brother doesn’t want to lend you his toy, didn’t you?” “I know you don’t like to take a bath. I understand it makes you angry, but in that way we are clean and prevent illnesses”.

4. Let him learn to distinguish actions from emotions

Explain that sometimes when we are angry (sad or scared), we feel like disobeying and misbehaving, but go over the house rules.

Your child will understand the message if you make clear statements, without accusations or humiliating words. He has to understand that he should not let emotion take over because an exaggerated anger complicates the problem and makes us act impulsively.

“In this family, yelling, throwing objects or hitting is not allowed. Calm down. Use your words to explain what bothers you”.

5. Find ways to calm him down.

The last step is to change his mood. “Find ways to calm him down and comprehend his anger”, says Peniche.

a) Look for a distractor

Instead of thinking about the person or situation that caused the anger, encourage him to think about something else like taking a walk, digging in the garden, listening to music, riding a bike.

You can say something like: “I understand that you’re mad because I didn’t buy you that toy, but we’re going to sing so you calm down”. “I know you’re afraid of the dark, but we’ll bring your special teddy bear to keep you company”.

b) Change the environment, keep him away from the conflict

Take him to a quiet place and tell him it’s okay to walk away from the problem to avoid an angry outburst. By moving to another part of the house or to the backyard, the child can get some space and work on calming down.

c) Find ways to release anger

Another strategy for processing anger, if all else fails, is to find a safe way to release the emotion.

Suggest ways for the child to unburden himself:

Crisscross jumping
Some controlled pillow punches
Write or draw a picture of what is bothering

We are sure that with these tips you can help your child control his anger. Try them and if you have any other tip, do not hesitate to share it with us.

Translated by: Ligia M. Oliver Manrique de Lara

Spanish version

What is emotional intelligence and why should you promote it in your children?

Posted on 07/09/2021 - 16:35 by Desarrollo WebAdictos

The first ones to develop the concept of emotional intelligence were the American psychologists Peter Salovey and John D Mayer. In 1990, the authors published an article in which they defined the term as “the ability to accurately perceive, appraise, and express emotion”.

In 1995, New York Times journalist Daniel Goleman published a book that became a world bestseller and put the concept on everyone’s lips. Two years later, in 1997, Mayer and Salovey polished their definition to focus on four emotion-related skills:

Perceiving: The ability to monitor the feelings and emotions of oneself and others.

Understanding: The acquisition of emotional knowledge, identify why emotions are produced, what triggers them and how they are expressed exactly.

Using: The ability to discriminate among feelings and to use this information to guide one’s action and thinking.

Managing: The ability to regulate emotions, self-knowledge and self-control.

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Why is emotional intelligence important?

According to Luz María Peniche Soto, psychoanalyst, author of the book Entender las emociones, una guía para criar hijos sanos y seguros (Understanding Emotions, a Guide for Raising Healthy and Safe Children), people who manage to develop their emotional intelligence “decrease their anxiety, stress, indiscipline and risky behaviors”.

In addition, “they increase their tolerance for frustration, their resilience, and their well-being”.

Luz María Peniche Soto, psychoanalyst

At the beginning of the 21st century, the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) launched emotional learning programs in schools and measured the results before and after the courses.

The conclusion was blunt, it is possible to modify the way in which people process, interpret and manage their emotions.

“Curiously, the countries that continued to promote these programs are well-developed and have a great economic growth, which in some way indicates that emotional intelligence not only has repercussions on mental health, but also on people’s professional and economic success”, explains Luz Maria Peniche.

You would like to read: 11 tips for raising with tenderness

How to Teach Emotional Intelligence to Children

Think of emotional intelligence as being aware of feelings, paying attention to them to adapt to the environment and get benefits for both ourselves and others.

Mayer and Salovey propose a model to identify and work on the four branches of emotional intelligence:

Perception of emotions: Help your children to identify their own emotions and those of others. Not only with words, but also with gestures, postures, tone of voice, behaviors and even art. When they are experiencing an emotion, have them acknowledge it. Ask them what they feel. Have them express the name of the emotion in all its letters. “I’m angry, bored, confused”, “I’m scared, sad”, “I’m happy, excited, intrigued”. Remind them that no emotion is bad and that by identifying it, they can control it.
Understanding emotions: Once children know what they feel, help them analyze the reason for that emotion. That is, what is the relationship between the word that defines what they feel, with what is happening to them. “For example, recognizing that if we feel sadness it is because we had a loss”, says Peniche. This point also includes the ability to recognize changes between emotions. It is possible to go from sadness to anger, from frustration to anger, from joy to tears.
Facilitate thinking: Intense emotions can block our ability to think, so we need to ‘step back’ and calm down a bit to make better decisions. When we are able to make that stop, we can reflect better and solve the factor that catapulted that emotion. The ability to postpone impulses, regulate moods, manage anxiety is also learned. How? Ask your children what they would do if they were someone else, what piece of advice they would give to another person to solve the situation. If they move away, they will find a solution easier.
Manage emotions: When you learn to distance yourself from the emotion, you can have perspective, calm the negative ones and enhance the positive ones without repressing or exaggerating. At this point it is possible to use emotions to guide and improve our behavior. When you use emotions as a stimulus, you facilitate creativity; on the contrary, when you repress them, a depressive state blocks thinking.

Undoubtedly, emotional intelligence is a very interesting topic that we should promote in our little ones.

Translated by: Ligia M. Oliver Manrique de Lara

Spanish version

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Why you should stop shouting to your kids when you tell them off?

Posted on 17/08/2021 - 12:55 by Desarrollo WebAdictos

‘Baby, pick up your clothes. Sweety, don’t leave your clothes on the floor, take them to your room, please. Pick up your clothes, Johnny’… Your face turns red, your eyes seem to pop out of their sockets, you feel as if you were having a transformation and suddenly you raise your voice to a level you didn’t know you could: I TOLD YOU TO PICK UP YOUR CLOTHES AND YOU’RE GOING TO DO IT RIGHT NOW!

Does that sound familiar? We, all moms, have experienced a similar situation. You repeat an instruction several times and your patience is over. Shouting seems to be the easiest way to reprimand your children, but let’s analyze the situation. Did you get a real change in their attitude? Perhaps, crying, your kid picked up the clothes, but surely next day (or the next hour) your child will leave a mess again.

Stop being a screaming mom

Shouting doesn’t educate, on the contrary, it damages the bond with your child. Have you noticed its face when it sees you blow up? Yelling is a form of verbal violence, it’s the short way and will bring you counterproductive results.

No, you won’t look authoritarian, nor will you get them to “obey” out of fear. Rather, you’ll let them know that you lose control and shows you weak, out of yourself. When we scream, we wake up in kids their natural alarm signal and they get defensive, expecting danger.

The Journal of Child Development published a research that shows that screaming to children produces on them similar results as physical punishment: screaming causes the release of high amounts of cortisol into children’s brain, which produces anxiety, stress and depression, increasing behavior problems.

“When you yell to a child to tell him off, you’re generating a negative impact in its brain. A child does not know what’s the reason you are yelling for, doesn’t get if that’s good or bad and causes in it an anxious and retractive situation”, says the president of the Mexican Council of Neurology (Consejo Mexicano de Neurología), Dr. Edith Alva Moncayo.

At the beginning, they’ll be afraid, and then they’ll feel insecure with their role models: their parents. “If shouting is used as a habitual method, is possible that children could become shy, introverted and, in the future, with a persistent depressive state, adds the specialist.

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Shouting at children causes them to be alert, expecting danger, which generates stress and anxiety. Picture: Pixabay

They get used to hear you screaming and end up ignoring you

Children finally get used to shouts and their ability to respond at them, decreases. You’ll have to shout louder. Then, the situation becomes dangerous because the child will want to reach your level and will shout too.

Alejandra Velasco, speaker and author of the book Soy mamá gritona y quiero dejar de serlo, (I’m a yelling mother and I would like to stop it) explains: “There comes a time when the child gets used to the loud tone of its mother’s voice and just doesn’t listen anymore”. Some parents say, ‘My kid likes to be yelled‘ but that’s not true.

Children do not make their parents scream, the fault is not theirs, “yelling parents are adults who don’t know how to control their emotions”. In other words, if the goal of screaming is to create a positive habit, you’re not getting it. If you’re looking for catharsis, take out frustration and show that you’re angry, then you should analyze why you’re screaming. The tip of the iceberg is the scream, that’s just the symptom, but underneath is the whole cause. Why do we scream?

Many times, a mom who shouts for nothing is a frustrated person, a woman who is angry with her husband, who has an unsolved mourning, who feels saturated or always is looking for perfection.

She wants to look good with the boss, cooks extremely elaborate food, embrace many things, but the truth is that everybody needs help from family and partner. “Before you shout again, analyze your environment, reformulate the organization and distribution of the housework, create routines with your children, and give yourself permission to be deliciously imperfect”, says the child-rearing expert.

Maybe you want to read: 11 tips to raise with tenderness

What to do to avoid yelling?

Even it seems challenging, there are strategies that do not involve screaming like crazy. The key words are positive parenting, but this method requires planning and discipline from parents.

Talk to your family, set limits and rules. Explain the importance of routines. Establish consequences if transgressing those rules, so when applying the reprimand, they know in advance that it is part of the agreement. “It is important that parents have educational and knowledge tools about positive discipline and positive language. This does not mean that children will do what they want, on the contrary, one of the pillars that parents must handle is to set rules and routines.

If you stablish that at 8 p.m. your kid has to take a shower, start telling your child five minutes before 8 p.m. that bath time is coming, instead of shouting GET IN THE BATH NOW! Play some music, dance together, and make some jokes. In this way your kid will see bath time as a game and will be waiting bath time with joy”, explains Velasco.

If through screaming you are looking for a change of positive habits, you are really wrong. Picture: Pixabay

Be conscious that you’re a screaming mom and solve it

The step from being a screaming mom to a mom with positive parenting tools is a process and involves self-knowledge and being aware of the moment we are losing our temper in order to avoid it. Remember that children learn by imitation, so if you learn to control yourself, you will also help your child take that step.

“Parents should try to control themselves and instead of yelling at their children they should try to manage a distraction, so children can integrate properly and understand. If you explain why you are angry and what the kid did wrong, it will understand clearly, but you have to talk in a consistent and calm way”, says Dr. Alva Moncayo.

On the other hand, Alejandra Velasco adds: “Before screaming to your child, breathe, stop for a few seconds and say: ‘I am the adult, it is a child, I have to control myself, not the child to me’. Only fight the battles you must fight, don’t exasperate for everything. Put on a rubber on your hand and every time you feel like screaming, pull it. Maybe a calendar will work for you, to draw a line on it every time you scream. The point is to find something that makes you aware and helps you think before yelling. You’re going to make it!”

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How to make your kid obey?

Getting kids to follow your instructions is also a process, but practice really changes the brain. Dr. Alan Kazdin, psychology professor at Yale University, promotes a method of background, behavior and consequences.

Background: You tell the kid with words according to its age, specifically, what you need to be done and what you expect from the kid.
Behavior: Defined and molded by parents with their example.
Consequence: The approval when a behavior is performed.

If you practice this method, instead of yelling to your child because it didn’t picked up its clothes, for example, in that moment pick up yours and invite the kid to tidy together (without doing the kid’s part). If the child did so, or even if it moved closer the clothes where they should be, tell him/her that he/she did a good job, hug and explain exactly why you’re praising him/her. If it didn’t follow the order, set the consequence established before like, do not watch television, do not use that toy, etc.

Try it, the saying goes, “You catch more flies with honey than with gall”.

Translated by: Ligia M. Oliver Manrique de Lara

Spanish version: Here

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